He says I deserve it....? Do I?

Hi,
I have been married for over 11 years, and like most couples we've had our ups and downs. I have two children 9 and 3. When things have been bad, I did turn outside my marriage for companionship and support, that lead to sex. My husband found out about 2 years ago. He threatned to leave. I begged hint o stay saying I would never do that again. We discussed it, and decided to stay together. Since this time, he has pretty much held it as a gun to my head, allowing him to do anything he choses. I heard that he was seeing other women, he denied it. Last October we had planned to take the kids away over autumn break. Last minute he said he couldnt come. I took the kids away with a girlfriend instead. On my return the house was upside down, and he was suffering from his binge drinking (regular occurence). I asked what had being going on and he told me that he had some friends over for a party. My bead was half way across the room and all the beds had been slept in. He wuldnt discuss it furher. When I was cleaing up, I found the a number in the study, googled it and found it to be of an escort agency. When I questioned him, he told me it was none of my buisness, but yes they had called some girls in, and partied!
I was devestated! In my bed! and all over the house. He says it what I deserve, and I cant complain after what I did.

I admit having an affair was so wrong, but is he justified in using our home as a whore house for him and his friends?

Re: He says I deserve it....? Do I? In reply to: Nikita

Of course you don't deserve this - nobody does.

OK, you made a pretty big mistake and he was hurt - you've admitted that and apologised and he ACCEPTED that. You should be moving on from that and respecting each other.

I think it's appalling the way he's treating you. Using your past mistake as an excuse to do what he wants is just NOT ON.

The thing is where to go from here - have you thought about counselling? I know people who've had it and they really found it useful. It might help you both to sort out your feelings too.

I'm glad you've shared this, keep talking to us. XX

Don't sweat the small stuff. It will make you stinky.

Edited 6 months ago

Re: He says I deserve it....? Do I? In reply to: Nikita

Hi
So you made a mistake and deeply regret it ,and i suppose you said you would do anything to make it ok again? Well most people i know who have made a mistake and had an affair have said the same and have truly meant it.Thats ok but my god there is a limit to just how much ,and in a way if your hubby had turned around and had an affair or a fling(which i think you suspect he has already) you could justify it in your mind and say ok well i did it so we are even,even tho as they say two wrongs dont make a right.
My reply would be a big fat NO NO NO you certainly dont deserve to be treated like that,it seems he is just using it to do what he likes and you cant say a thing to him. Has he no respect for you or your kids? From what you say no bed was left untainted so to speak,that to me is disgusting that he or his friends have slept with women who lets face it have been round the block a few times IN YOUR CHILDRENS BEDS disgusting! That to me is not the actions of a caring father it is the actions of a selfish man who dosent care who he hurts in the process of this getting back at you. I bet you were horrified!! If you want my advice i would talk to him and ask him to stop this dreadful behavior and if he continues to treat you like this get him out the door!! Personally i would have him out already!!
You dont deserve this and he is totally abusing the situation and most importantly abusing YOU! So you made a mistake and you are sorry but you dont need to pay for it the rest of your life. Also do you really want your kids growing up in a battlefield??If he has lost respect for you, then you respect yourself and stand up for yourself and if he dosent like it he knows what he can do!!

Re: He says I deserve it....? Do I? In reply to: Nina

Thanks for your response....I guess I'm not going mad, and do have things in perspective.

I have been living a lie for the past 11 years, thinking he loved me. I put up with so much, his drinking, his family, all so my children would have a father around them. I realise now that he is not the kind of father that they need or the kind of husband that I deserve. Just a shame that it's taken me so long to realise.

I am also indian, so this next step is going to be a tough one, but I need to get my solicitor to start proceedings and leave all the despair and anxiety behind me and move forward to a happier life with my children.

I am sooooo scared, I know that he is not going to accept this. I know that it's going to get a lot worse before it gets better, probably why I havnt done anything before now.

Atleast now I feel that I have somewhere to share, and people who care and will help........Thankyou so much.....

Re: He says I deserve it....? Do I? In reply to: Nina

Thanks for your response....I guess I'm not going mad, and do have things in perspective.

I have been living a lie for the past 11 years, thinking he loved me. I put up with so much, his drinking, his family, all so my children would have a father around them. I realise now that he is not the kind of father that they need or the kind of husband that I deserve. Just a shame that it's taken me so long to realise.

I am also indian, so this next step is going to be a tough one, but I need to get my solicitor to start proceedings and leave all the despair and anxiety behind me and move forward to a happier life with my children.

I am sooooo scared, I know that he is not going to accept this. I know that it's going to get a lot worse before it gets better, probably why I havnt done anything before now.

Atleast now I feel that I have somewhere to share, and people who care and will help........Thankyou so much.....

Re: He says I deserve it....? Do I? In reply to: Nikita

I stayed with my ex for my children, I thought that it was the right thing to do that their happiness should come before my own. I lived a half life for years. I left him over 3 years ago it was not easy but childen are better off coming from a broken home than lifing in one. After about a yr my friends said welcome back to the world as they said for years when they looked at me it was as if i had died inside. My children are so much happier now they are like diffrent children, even the school told me they noticed how happy the children where. You blame yourself but some men are good at making you feel guilty, You should not have to live like that and nither should your children if you are happy they will be. 3 yrs on and I have a life again, it as taken time but I know who I am and what I want now. Good luck to you and the children

Re: He says I deserve it....? Do I? In reply to: swan

Nikita, I'm Indian too and we can talk about the other issues that worry you too, if you want to.

I have an Indian friend who finally left her husband after 5 years of physical abuse and yes, it is hard, culture wise, but it will get better. It took her 5 years to finally leave him though but she is so glad she did. She said that when she walked out of the house to go to a refuge, the relief she felt was almost too much to handle and she cried for days - not with sadness, with relief.

We get the raw deal as women, but we need to learn that other people's opinions don't matter as much as ours and our children's feelings.

Don't sweat the small stuff. It will make you stinky.

Re: He says I deserve it....? Do I?

Hello

 I have been through the solicitor and the divorce petition is drafted......but I feel confused. I know that he will never change, and that I can't stay with him. I wake up at 2 every morining and just go over and over all the reasons why i have to leave him, I need to leave him, and want to leave him. I get up tired, put a smile for the kids, and get on with the day.

I am usually a logical person. If I decide something, I generally follow through on it. I hate feeling this way. Like I have lost the plot. I feel so useless. My son has some idea that I plan to divorce, and that is taking its toll on him too. My daughter is too young, but I know that this will affect her too. My family are generally upset, but I have sat with them and spoke at length about the problems I face with him (but refrained from telling them about that night.)

I've waited until now, so as to avoid the kids having to go through anything and face school. Atleat if he does make a scene (I know he will be so angry) I can just get up and go with my kids and I dont have to worry about school.

I just need a kick up the ****.... What is it that will give me the final push?

 I know I have a relativley comfortable life with him, and I wonder if I am scared of being on my own, and having to financially support us. BUT I also know that I am capable of doing that. SO what is it that is holding me back?

Any ideas?

Re: He says I deserve it....? Do I?

I'm so glad you're getting things sorted for you and your kids.

You could be feeling scared of the unknown. You've been married a long time and it will take time to adjust but I think you're doing the right thing.

It takes a lot of courage to do what you've done. Well done and keep us posted.

Don't sweat the small stuff. It will make you stinky.