insecure partner

insecure partner

i have been with my partner for nearly eight years. in that time i have met a couple of men; nothing sexual happened it was just texting. we were friends although the texts did become sexual after awhile but it was mainly tongue in cheek. my partner found out each time (the 1st bout 5-6 years ago, 2nd nearly two years ago) i have since severed all contact with these men although one of them was a really good friend and would have dne any thing for me. the problem is my partner is now (although i think he always has been) insecure. every chance he gets he goes through my phone checks my facebook profile etc. i am not or ever will have an affair but he constantly thinks i will. i have to constantly justify myself. who i have been talking to etc. he constantly makes snide comments by saying that he will catch me out one day and that i am a dodgy person. i can be difficult to live with has i can sometimes appear to be moody when im not im an impatient person and want everything done now and done right. he is at work today and has already phoned me three times and i know that when he gets home from work there will be a heated discussion cos he is paranoid and insecure about something. i dont wanna walk away from this relatonship cos when its good its very good and i do love him, but i cant cope with the insecurity and paranoia. i am not an insecure person and am very independant due to having to fight my corner all my life. he for the record says it is my fault that he is like it cos of the men i was texting; which i suppose i am partly to blame. i have proved my love for him time and time again. but we always seem to go round in circles and have the same conversations. what does everyone else think? will he always be insecure; and whats the best way to handle it; bacause its getting to the point were i just lose my temper with him every time he questions me or doubts me. he says he doesnt trust me and that he has to learn to trust me, but he doesnt trust anyone. he has friends and people like him alot and respect him; but he has no close friends that he trusts, he feels that everyone at some point will let you down.

Re: insecure partner In reply to: martha32

I think you know as well as I do that you can't carry on like this, babe.

You're both very unhappy and it sounds like he doesn't trust you anymore. I'm not blaming one person (there's a saying in Punjabi that it takes two hands to clap), but he can't let the past dictate the future. i.e. he can't keep going on about things that are done and that you can't do anything about, especially since you haven't done anything like it since.

You both need to sit down and talk frankly. Trust is one of the most important things in a relationship - you don't have much without it. I'm sorry to say this, but maybe if he can't trust you, you'd be better apart because at the moment, together, you're very unhappy.

Try marriage guidance or whatever it's called these days. I have friends who've had it and it saved their marriage.

Don't sweat the small stuff. It will make you stinky.

Re: insecure partner In reply to: Nina

thanks for your reply. what you say makes sense, deep down i do sometimes feel that this isnt the relationship for me, i wanna be with someone who i love so much it hurts when i am not with them. (does that sort of relationship even exsist) i am generally un-happy with all aspects of my life at the mo; so the way i feel about my relationship could be a reflection on this. he is a good man very genorous and will help me in anyway he can, although sometimes i do find him overtly critical when i don't need/want him to. i have never been good in relationships and this is my longest one, so there must be something there just not sure what. i do sometimes think it is me trying to find fault with him/everything. but then the trust issue comes up and smacks me one again. i do sometimes feel that he tries to control me and the things that i do; he says he doesnt when confronted about it. but for example i don't go out socially drinking with my friends that often but back along there were three occasions out of about five weekends were all my friends were going out celebrating various things and i went to, and it caused arguements cause he got insecure (although again he denyed it) i don't feel as though i have the freedom to go out with my friends and spend time with them cause it will just cause tension and a bad atmosphere, so i don't bother. my work mates keep asking me to go for a drink with them on a thurs night but i keep turning them down cause i don't want to cause a bad atmosphere at home. he says has my partner he is more important and i should be spending the time with him, as we are both at work all day we don't get to see each other (not that this bothers him when he goes and plays golf sat morns) if he was reading this he will dis-agree with everything i say and say that it is all me, that he doesn't have a prob with me doing what ever i like, but in such a way that suggests he does. but then this makes me think that maybe it is me and it is all in my head.

Re: insecure partner In reply to: martha32

It sounds like you're going through a rough time right now. I'm glad you can come on here and share.

I would talk to your partner about how you feel. I can sort of see his point about you going out every week with work mates if you both work and hardly ever see each other, but if he goes out to play golf every Saturday then that's very unfair. Do you go out as a couple much? Maybe you should once in a while. Sometimes in a long term relationship it's easy to forget that you are a couple and need to do things together as a couple so you appreciate each other more.

But maybe your problems aren't solvable (if that's a word). You shouldn't stay together if the only reason for doing so is because you've been together a long while. Especially if you're both unhappy (he doesn't seem very unhappy either). That's why I suggested counselling. It helps to get an outsider's point of view and they can mediate.

Hope this helps - keep talking to us XXX

Don't sweat the small stuff. It will make you stinky.

Re: insecure partner In reply to: Nina

Im sorry to be so blunt but this really doesnt sound like the relationship you want to be in for the rest of your life so if i were you i'd end it as soon as you can! neither of you want to be in a relationship that does not work especially if you both dread going home at the end of the day! And if you dont spend much time together as a couple! Either you need propper relationship councelling or you need to break apart but stay friends! I think you would both be happier as i can see both points of view, he is insecure cos you were texting other men! if my man was texting other women id kill him! i would be gone without a second thought! What would you be like if he was texting other women like that and saying the things you said!? You have had 2 chances already and its no wonder he is feeling insecure! On the other hand he needs to let go a litle or the relationship would never work!! I am sorry to be so blunt with you but on the info you have given it sounds like his insecurity was your fault. But i havent heard all the info so i cant say much apart from that! But by the sounds of things the relationship was over a while ago, you just have to let go hun! Im so sorry!

p.s I AM sorry if what i said upset you but everyone needs to hear the truth and not just what they want to hear and if what i said sounds nasty i didnt mean it like that (I'm on my bad week) everything that comes out my mouth at the mo sounds nasty! lol

Tell those closest to you that you love them as you never know when they might be gone!