Our right to grieve...

I don't normally post a problem, I prefer helping others, but I would like varied opinions on a dilemma, please...

My Dad is dating and it looks like it's heading for marriage, he is desperate to move on after my Mum's sudden death only a year ago....she was 53, and Dad is 56 now.  I feel like he is not respecting our right to grieve, my brother and I will never get another Mum, and don't want a substitute, but Dad is happy to put this life behind him and start a fresh....I don't want Dad to be alone forever, it just all feels like mum is in his past and this is forced on us. 

I have my own family, I'm 30 yrs, have lovely hubby and kiddis, am I being selfish thinking that my Dad should be showing more respect to mums memory?...Dad told me, the last time we spoke that im to be polite when I meet his girlfriend, of course I will be, it just all seems too soon for me to play "happy families".

I just wonder what kind of woman (she is 39 yrs) falls for a bi-polar-56 yr old, who has just lost lost his wife?...

I will check back and read your views, bye for now   X    

Re: Our right to grieve...

This is a tricky one, Hannah. I know you're still grieving for your mum and want to respect her memory but everyone deals with grief in different ways and for different periods of time.

If it was me, if it makes you feel better, I'd probably feel the same way but maybe your dad and his new partner feel that life is too short to be waiting around for the "appropriate" moment, especially when no one can pinpoint when this is?

I think you should talk to your dad about how this is making you feel. I really don't believe that he intentionally wanted to insult your mum's memory or that his love for her was any less because he's met someone new. However, with your mum passing away, maybe it's brought home to him how precious life is and he doesn't want to waste time?

Don't sweat the small stuff. It will make you stinky.

Re: Our right to grieve...

This is a tricky one, Hannah. I know you're still grieving for your mum and want to respect her memory but everyone deals with grief in different ways and for different periods of time.

If it was me, if it makes you feel better, I'd probably feel the same way but maybe your dad and his new partner feel that life is too short to be waiting around for the "appropriate" moment, especially when no one can pinpoint when this is?

I think you should talk to your dad about how this is making you feel. I really don't believe that he intentionally wanted to insult your mum's memory or that his love for her was any less because he's met someone new. However, with your mum passing away, maybe it's brought home to him how precious life is and he doesn't want to waste time?

Don't sweat the small stuff. It will make you stinky.

Re: Our right to grieve...

Thanks Nina, you always know what to say, to every problem, you are a good all-rounder, proper Agony Aunt!!!.

Yes, my Dad does say alot how he's getting on in age, and hated being alone, and we should make the most of our lives, as we don't know how long we have.  Death makes us question our own mortality, and fragility, and thats scary.  I just think how my mum was such a good person, and how quickly Dad is replacing her, it is upsetting, I did tell him this, and how he needs to respect our grieving process, but he called me "Bossy",I wasn't telling him how to live his life, just saying how our feeling matter too, I just feel like I have lost both parents...he is hardly the most stable influence anyway, being bi-polar, you never know what they will do next!.  

If it was the other way around mum would have made a life for herself as mum and Grandma, but my Dad said this isn't enough for him.  I guess he is weaker minded than my mum was, and doesn't realise what he has got, having children & Grandchildren.        

Re: Our right to grieve...

That's a really nice thing to say Hannah - thanks! I hope you sort this out with your dad and his new partner. You sound like you are giving her a chance and I don't think either of you are being unreasonable :o)

Don't sweat the small stuff. It will make you stinky.