Helpful Advice!!!!

Hi, 

 i have been with my partner for nearly 10 years off and on.  we have a very stormy relationship.  About 3 years ago i made the mistake and had an affair with another man behind my partners back.  i know what i done was wrong and i regret it so much.  but since this has happened things have never been the same.  We go through a good patch and then something will happen and it will get brought up again.  He doesnt trust me at all? i am not allowed to go out and if i go to the shop and am longer then 10 mins he asks me 101 questions when i get back.

 Sometimes he can be quite violent towards me as well when we have an arguement.  The thing that worried me the most was that the last time we had an arguement he told me that if he knew he could get away with doing something stupid to me then he would (i.e make sure i wasnt alive)   We have a 4 year old daughter which i try and keep out of the room.  but when things are bad with us he tends to not talk to her and she doenst deserve that.

 I really dont know what to do, im a way i love him still and then again i hate him for what he keeps doing to me.

Re: Helpful Advice!!!!

Hi Tracy Ann,

I am very sorry to hear the way you have been treated. I know how hard it is to feel trapped and have to explain your every move. You shouldn't have to as freedom is one of the most importan things. Your huaband has no right to treat you the way you are being treated. He forgave you three years ago and it should have been left in the past. you deserve none of this!!!!

I truely believe that despite how long you have been with him it cannot be worth the hurt and violence. If you will not do something for yourself then do it for your daughter. My whole family treated me really and growing up that is all I knew and the first relationship I got into was controlling and abusive and I put up with it as I didn't know any different and believed it to be right. I would be afraid that this would happen to your daughter.

maybe try giving him an ultimatum or suggest he get help. you have to try to do something before he does anything drastic to yourself ro your daughter. He seems to have a lot of anger in him and I would be afraid of what he is capable of. You could try talking to your local police station for advice. You could even call annonymously.

It takes a lot of courage to stand up tp him as he as he is nothing short of a bully. But you can!!! You have taken the first step by writing on this site. His threat obviously scared you as it would anyone and this may make you uncertain and afraid to leave. The police may be able to help you. You could also try your local womens crisis agency.

 Good luck and I hope I have helped you is some way. You and your daughter deserve to be happy and free!!

Re: Helpful Advice!!!!

Hi Giggles

 Thank you for your reply.  I will take some of ur advice and i will go to my local police station and ask to speak to someone there. 

I dont want this to happen to my daughter as i want her to have the best life possible. 

When i have threatened to leave but he just turns nasty and tells me that i cant take my daughter and the he wants her to stay with him.  I have no family of my own as i havent spoken to them for nearly 5 years as a result of being with him so i do feel like i am alone. 

He does have alot of anger inside him and even the littliest thing starts him off so i feel like i am walking of egg shells sometimes.  his threat did scare me and yeah in a way i am scared to leave, but if i stay what will happen? 

 I'm not saying he is like it all the time when things are good there are brill but then i get the past thrown in my face again.

 You have helped me with the replay that u have sent to me.

 thanks

Re: Helpful Advice!!!!

Hi Tracy Ann. I know this may sound harsh, but I think your fella has every right to ask what you're doing if you had an affair. it may be tough but you cheated on him so he naturally wants to make sure its not happening again.

Hopefully he won't be like this forever, but for him 3 years is probably still very recent. In time it should get better. by all means talk to him and try to work out a way for him to be less paranoid and potentially try to agree that he no longer brings it up but all the experts will say that once you've broken that trust its really tough to get i back again

Re: Helpful Advice!!!!

HI Jaqb, yeah it does sound harsh, but i completely understand what u have said.  i know i cheated on him and i regret it and if i could turn back time i would.  It is not going to happen again and i have tried telling him this as well.

 I have tried talking to him and to try to agree that he stops bringing it up whenever we have a dissagreement but it hasnt worked.  i am hoping that in time it does get better but the thing is how much time and if things carry on how they do will i have the time?

Re: Helpful Advice!!!!

I reckon you should give yourself a time limit and then, if nothing's better, then potetnially do something about it.

he has a right to be mistrustful, sure, but not bring it up forever. I'm not suggesting you leave him, but have you considered counselling? It often helps to get things in the open that therwise get left unsaid.

I know your fella might say no, but try to convince him of all the ways it could help. it sounds as if he still has a hang-up about everyhing and it might make a big difference. In spite of what you did, 3 years is a long time to carry round that level of bitterness.

If he says no, then you could go on your own. Even solo it can help. Also, you need to decide how long you can live like this without it affecting you and your daughter. There will come a point when you need to make decision. good luck
jb x