Going crazy- please advise me

Going crazy- please advise me

Hi everyone,

I've been with my partner for about five years now and known him for much longer. he's always been kind, sweet and gentle. Recently, I took on a lot of new responsibilities, both at work and at home, and was reassured when he promised to support me. Now, six months on, he's making everything twice as difficult as it needs to be. Firstly, he keeps promising to do things but then 'forgets', such as some contract work for the business, but if I check on him he gets angry and snappy. He's always late when I need his help with anything and would rather laugh at my mistakes than support me as I correct them. He has also started coming to bed really late, sitting up with our male housemate until morning rather than being with me. He spends more time with our housemate playing computer games than with me or at work.

My partner works a full-time job, but as I'm currently working 7 days a week he had agreed to take on more cooking, cleaning and diy around the house. Instead, he has stopped doing the few things he did do and complains when I can't keep up.

At Christmas, I had spent a long time getting him thoughtful gifts but on Christmas Eve it turned out he had forgotten to buy me anything. Instead of getting me a gift, he found hamster pictures online and made them into a calendar in twenty or so minutes. He left me to make Christmas dinner, thn complained about the food and refused to wash up. Then, he told me he had to work most of the next week when I thought he had time off. Later that week, he even went to his work Christmas party without me after telling me he didn't plan to go. the night before, we'd had a huge argument about him never being home, but he said he thought I needed some space.

 A few days ago I was crying when he came home. Some of my staff have left work and I had nobody to replace them. He had previously promised to get in touch with a friend of his who was looking for a job and said he would go and e-mail them. Half an hour later, he hadn't come back so I went to check on him. I found him watching porn on the internet. He says he doesn't understand why it upset me as I usually don't mind too much about porn.

Does anyone have any suggestions to explain why a usually very considerate man is behaving this way? I feel like I'm living with a teenager...

Re: Going crazy- please advise me

I can only offer some advice based on my experience with a close friend and she had similar problems. In her case she had taken more and more responsibility in her job and her relationship with her boss, who was her lover was affected. We believed that he was basically envious and wanted her to be dependent on him but his personality was not so strong as hers. She started to lose patience with him and he in turn reacted by sulking and acting like a young boy and even like a schoolgirl. This wasn't a sudden change it was gradual and the evenings of sexual passion became a bit of a chore for her so he lost confidence. As he reacted she in turn reacted and this meant she got stronger and took on more responsibility at work that made her more aggressive and demanding of staff. I said she took on the role of a man at work and a mother at home running around after him. As their sex life was affected he spent time on the internet and visited porn sites since this is much easier than facing responsibilities that might lead to them finding a solution. Basically he was still the boss at work but had less power and he couldn't help her when staff reacted to her temper because they realised he was weak. My advice is to accept that you have changed and not pander to him or treat him like a child. Maybe he had a reason to suddenly attend the Christmas party and has a distraction. It's very difficult for us girls to be successful since it can be resented so just be patient. Maybe tell him you need a part time housekeeper if he is too busy to take on domestic chores. Ask him to pay for this since he prefers relaxation time. I hope you get other advise so you can make a good decision. Mine is only limited to my experience through a friend and is not personal.

Re: Going crazy- please advise me

Hi Bear,

I'm not entirely sure what to advise but I think Jules is so right about what's happening. My boyfriend feels that (not in a bad way) men are cavemen, and have a very deep-rooted need to be seen as providers.

Unfortunately, he's going to translate your totally reasonable requests as nagging, and dig himself deeper into being a little boy. I think it's called learned helplessness.

First off, you want him to understand that you're asking for help, but you don't want to nag. So take action right away - I don't know if this applies to you, but I know that if I'm stressed and want the tidying up done, I can mention it a couple of times, then leave it, then over-react at some point later down the line.

Also, anything that he does do well, compliment him on it, no matter how tiny. Make it clear that you're noticing the good things he does, not just the bad things - even if it's playing computer games! Show that you're taking an interest in him, and that in spite of your increased working, it's not all about you. Also, anything that he does do, thank him for it.

Maybe you could try making him feel like the decision maker! Instead of 'Could you get some milk in?' you could say 'Do you think we could do with some milk?' And if he says yes, ask if he should get it, or you should. 

I'm really sorry - I really sympathise with you. You're doing 7 days a week, and he's making your home life difficult, and all I'm doing here is suggesting you work even harder!

But going by my boyfriend's caveman theory, I do think that everyone responds better to positivity and appreciation than they do to feeling powerless and not good enough. All sorts of weird, defensive reactions can come out of that.

Sorry, I know this is a long post, but I really feel for you - I think so many of us have been in the same situation and probably will be again...

Good luck, hope it pans out xx

PS I think the suggestion of the cleaner is a good one. Since he works full-time you could always joke about getting yourselves a sexy cleaner

Re: Going crazy- please advise me

 I'm going crazy too.

 I've been with my partner for 6 years and happily married for 2 of those I thought. Recently he's been distant and I've had the feeling he's hiding something from me, he's also been staying up half the night telling me he's playing games online. Yesterday I did something I maybe shouldn't have and looked through his emails. To my horror I found over 200 in his inbox mainly conversations on facebook where people had written on his wall. Some of them were personal asking questions about our marriage and what he is going to do about it long term. I don't know what his answers were. I also found him advertising on a dodgy dating site for no strings sex.

Last night I confronted him, calmly and explained why I'd looked. He says he knows nothing about the dating site (despite the log in detail email) so guess that's lie no.1. The woman he's discussed our marriage with is a work colleague. I've been hitting the wine a bit lately with a stressful change of job and he claims I've pushed him away and he had to talk to someone.

I feel totally betrayed. Am I being paranoid?

He's immediately changed the facebook emails to go to his secure work inbox so they're hidden, I've asked him to show me what he's been saying about me tonight and he's agreed but I think he'll of deleted what he doesn't want me to see.

Iwant to ask him to come off facebook, I don't feel I can trust him on it. It's too easy to get close to people online but I think if I force him he'll just use another site or name.

 What should I do? 24hrs ago I trusted him.

 Mel

Re: Going crazy- please advise me

Hi Mel,

I just checked in to see if we had helped Bear and so sad to hear about your difficulties. At least you've had courage to confront your husband and I do hope it is a shock to him that makes him realise how inconsiderate he was. Perhaps men fantasise more than we realise and maybe his communications on facebook are just the modern version of the mens magazines.

I hope that you can stay calm as you were when you confronted him. I'm sure he will tidy up his communications and sometimes it's better not to press too hard so that he has chance to adjust. It's not easy to compare one person with another so we should just support you like we have with Bear.

I'm hoping we get a reply from Bear that's positive and maybe from you as well in a few days time. Don't hurt yourself or feel bad. Try to be optimistic and don't get upset. I hope that you can be positive when you talk to him.    I hope you have some nice thoughts of him to balance your feelings. Be strong.

Jules 

Juile-Dawn Cole

Re: Going crazy- please advise me

 Thanks for your support. I'll let you know how it goes.

 Mel

Re: Going crazy- please advise me

Sorry it took me so long to give you guys an update, I couldn't log in :S

 I tried following your advice and found it worked to some extent. My partner is now sulking a bit because I made him make some decisions (only little ones, but its a start), but on the other hand I complimented him on his cooking the other night and he's cooked every meal we've had at home since. Movement in the right direction at least.

Sadly, I can't get him to hire a cleaner as part of my job means I pretty much run a domestic cleaning company. I don't want my staff seeing our house!!

Re: Going crazy- please advise me

 That's great that you're making some progress, Bear. Let's hope it keeps getting better. Good luck! :o)

You had me at 'hello!'

Re: Going crazy- please advise me

That's great news hon. Little steps. I still think it's weird how women tend to do all the cooking and they just cook, but when men do the cooking they're suddenly a TV chef.

But well done! I hope it keeps getting better.