Can someone please give me some advice?

Can someone please give me some advice?

Hi,

I really need some advise, I have been with my present partner for 9 years and we've had our ups and downs as all relationships do but i'm starting to feel well i dont really know how to put it.

We have our own home and I have a fantastic 12 year old daughter, from a previous relationship. We have been a family since the beginning, I lost my mum after being together 6 months and my world fell apart. I had a few security issues as my mum was special to me and without her i had to sort myself out and get strong which i've done, I have my dad who is now my rock. My partner is a great guy, liked and loved by everyone and real cheeky chappy, he walks into a room and everyone notices. I had issues with him going out after losing my mum and i have combated these and I am ok with him going out and seeing his friends etc but what is getting to me is he keeps going out and saying he'll be back @ such a time and actaully arrives 2 hours later, bearing in mind i'm waiting up for him.

On saturday he moaned all day about going out - i dont want to, etc and then went out @ 8pm saying i'll be home 1-2am if not earlier i'm not fussed, he text me @ 2am and said he's just getting a taxi, an hour later i call to check things are ok as the taxi ride would be 30mins max, no answer, i keep on until finally @3.30 he answers saying he's waiting for a taxi @ his friends and will be home, finally rolls through the door @ 4.30am. I slept on the settee and have done so since. My point is he thinks its perfectly ok to keep me hanging on all the time, even simple things like work i'll be home @ 2pm and he'll turn up @3.15pm i can't seem to get him to be honest about these things.

He said yesterday that he ignored my calls because why would he want to speak to me when i'm cross, he doesn't understand that if he'd just said i'll be home @ 4.30am it would've been fine and he also said that what, where, what time and who he does things with are up to him, if he wants to come home @ 4.30 then he will. I also asked why is it that when i go out i give details etc and when he goes i get nothing or have to drag it out of him and on returning nothing, he said its because i'm better off not knowing, it will only cause arguements!

I spent £350 on a Titanum Diamond Eternity ring for him for Valentines day and he has it on his middle finger, right hand, i dont feel like i can't get any kind of commitment from him.

I am 30 years old and I had envisaged maybe being married, thinking of more children, etc but no and i am worrying that I am just barking up the wrong tree.

I love him dearly, I'd give him the world if i could. My frineds think i'm mad for staying and giving everything but thats just me, I can't change but also I want to a proper family with Kindness, caring and commitment.
Another thing is Facebook, he is adding loads of women, some from his past which i questioned but ok accept that but he has added women from the gym, i dont know who they are but i wouldn't dare have added people like that mine he would be really hurt.

Can someone please give me some advise on where to go from here, i just dont know what to do

Thanks



Liz
 

Re: Can someone please give me some advice?

Hi Liz. Gosh, I feel for you. I'm guessing that your boyfriend is roughly the same age as you, so around 30. 

If you've been together for so long and since you were both in your early 20s, then there's a definite possibility that your bf is probably starting to get cold feet about the whole thing. 

I reckon he's reached 30-something and suddenly realised that you might be the last woman he'll ever be with and that's scared him. 

He's clearly having commitment issues and isn't sure what on earth to do. Only you can know whether he's worth staying with, but you might just have to give him an ultimatum - you and your daughter or get out. 

I know that sounds harsh, but it might be the wake-up call he needs. Good luck!

Re: Can someone please give me some advice?

Hi

I think it's  very hard for any of us to understand the true situation but my feeling is that you are pushing him away by the actions you take to monitor his timekeeping and by checking where he is. Relationships go through these cycles so look on the bright side of situations rather than on the dark side. If he is late back you will naturally be worried and I've been like that with my daughter and son for years and years. In the end they grew up OK because I eventually let them see my concern without being on their backs. You seem to have a juvenile and maybe it's true that he is realising that he is getting older and doesn't like to turn into a middle aged fuddy duddy. So how can you take the chance to act in a more relaxed way and yet still show some concern? Can you bare to ask him not to be too late even though he is enjoying himself. Facebook seems to be a popular way of chatting like we are now and if he was talking to men or young children then that would of course be far more serious. I may be wrong but I'm sure that you are so worried that it shows and it looks like you do most of the chasing. You have the choice of positive action or negative action if he is guilty until proved innocent. Try to be positive with negative as your back stop since it's hard if you try the other way around and that might close doors.

Good luck anyway and hope I am not interferring.

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Juile-Dawn Cole