Helping your child to grieve

As parents, we want to protect our children from pain and sadness, but that's not always possible, and it isn't healthy either. Experts now agree that it's far better for children to be included and involved in the grieving process than to be protected from it. So what's the best way to do that? Here's a plan to help

Be honest and use simple language

Explain gently what has happened, but pick your words very carefully. Try to use the word 'dead' or 'died' rather than euphemisms, which may seem kinder, but are actually confusing. Slipped away/gone to sleep/gone to heaven/passed away, etc., don't give a clear enough explanation. If Granny has slipped away, when is she coming back? If she's gone to sleep, surely she will wake up?
The same applies to describing an illness. If you say 'Daddy had a heart attack', they may wonder who attacked his heart. 'Granny had a stroke' could also frighten them. If you stroke them at bedtime, will they die too?

WARNING: Well-meaning adults sometimes tell children their loved one is 'looking down on them and watching them.' Whilst their intention is to comfort the child, it often has the opposite effect. Children don't want someone to see if they're being naughty or rude! Be careful if you talk about a dead person's spirit too. Children get spirits and ghosts mixed up. Who wants a ghost stalking them day and night?

By Kate Corr