Coping with grief in children

Death and children | Helping your child to grieve | How children cope and react to death

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Don't worry if...

1. You cry in front of your child

It's perfectly OK to cry, and show children that you're upset, but make sure they understand why, or they may think it's their fault and get scared. 'I'm crying because I'm sad about Daddy', is all that's needed.

2. They don't seem very bothered

Some children, especially young ones, appear to take the news of a death 'very well.' By this, we mean they don't cry, or seem visibly upset. But don't let this initial reaction fool you into thinking they aren't bothered, because it's fairly likely they are, but don't know how to express it.

Look out for changes in behaviour - tantrums, bed-wetting, sleeping and/or eating problems and clinginess are all signs they're upset, but don't know how to say it.

Young children may complain of a tummy ache because physical pain is easier to describe than emotional pain. Others may behave unusually well. Older children may start doing badly at school because they can't concentrate.

REMEMBER: Children don't do long periods of sadness. Instead, they plunge suddenly and dramatically into 'puddles' of grief, during which they may cry and seem inconsolable. A few minutes later they jump out of the 'puddle' and ask if they can have a biscuit.

3. They ask awkward questions

'Will Daddy be back by Christmas?' 'Will Granny come to my birthday party?' 'Can I go and visit her in heaven?' Heartbreaking though it is, these are very common questions for children under 6 to ask, because they find it very difficult to understand that death is forever.

Gently remind your child what has happened. 'Daddy won't be coming back, sweetheart, because he has died. But he's in heaven/in your heart forever. Now do you want to talk about anything with me?'

- Next: Tips on coping with a funeral and afterwards

By Kate Corr