Congratulations! You’re pregnant. And what’s more exciting than knowing in nine months, you’ll be welcoming the arrival of a beautiful baby.
Although it can be a wonderful experience, you need to be warned now: things are going to change a lot over the next few months and not just in terms of your body, but how people treat you and in fact, how you act too.
We feel it’s our duty to prepare you for the future. It isn’t going to be an easy ride!
1. Random people feel the need to touch you. All the time.
And it’s very disconcerting when they start touching your stomach.
2. Wearing an underwired bra is out of the question. They’re just too uncomfortable.
So you have to settle for floppy bras that offer no support for your boobs.
3. You are always hot – even when it’s blowing a baltic gale outside.
In fact, hot enough to finally warm your man in bed rather than the other way round.
4. You can stop washing your hair, for at least a week anyway.
Because it just doesn’t get greasy – and it’s thicker too!
5. Your sense of smell becomes comparable to a dog’s.
And this invariably makes you vomit. A lot.
6. Heartburn is no longer a complaint reserved for old people.
7. And neither is sciatica.
8. Or piles.
9. Your sex drive goes overtime.
But your partner’s doesn’t. How things can change!
10. Your wedding and engagement rings are resigned to the bedside table or on a chain around your neck.
Because your fingers are too fat to fit them.
11. Like a bird, you start nesting.
Which probably means ‘buying a load of rubbish’ to your partner.
12. People randomly start talking to you about babies.
And whether it’s a boy or girl, when you’re due and how you’re feeling.
13. You start despising attention.
And yes, you’re FINE!
14. People treat you like royalty.
And always offer you a seat on the bus.
15. You walk like a duck.
And you’re not pretending to be from Monty Python.
16. You get excited when someone says how big you’ve got.
Even though you’ve despised anyone mentioning your size since you stopped growing as a child.
17. You never have to worry about holding your belly in.
Because it won’t move a millimetre even if you try.
18. Your belly button becomes an outy.
Which hasn’t happened since you were about 14.
19. You’re judged for having a small glass of wine.
Yet know it’s fine to have one alcohol unit a week.
20. It’s fine to eat any food combination.
Because you want it. Now.
21. You have a beautiful cleavage for the first time in your life.
And it doesn’t matter if men stare because you’re obviously unavailable.
22. You have to use the small trolleys when shopping.
Because there’s no way you can lean over the edge to extract the items from the bottom of the big ones!
23. You have an itchy stomach.
All the time.
24. You start counting time in weeks rather than months.
And no one understands what you’re talking about except other people who have had babies.
25. Your tops are always dirty.
Because you can’t reach the plate on the table and your bump gets in the way.
26. You know where every toilet is between your house and work.
And you run-waddle there at athletic speeds because you always need the toilet.
27. You cry a lot. At everything.
Even if you don’t even cry ever, normally.
28. Your legs are always hairy.
Because you can’t reach them to shave them.
29. You find yourself drip-drying more than usual.
Because you can’t reach to wipe the front when you go to the loo.
30. You fall over a lot.
And it’s not you being clumsy, it’s the bump changing the centre of gravity. Honest.
31. Eating for two is fine.
No, really. There’s no way out of this one.
32. You CANNOT control your stomach.
Not even a little bit.
Where to next?
– spookily accurate!