12 signs your cat is plotting to kill you

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evil cat

Have you ever stared your cat, square in the eyes, and wondered, 'are you trying to kill me?' The sad fact of the matter is that your suspicions are probably right.

Traditionally the pets of witches, they feel, collectively, a huge sense of distress at being poked, prodded and petted by any old human. This is not how their life was meant to go.

They don't want an averagely-comfortable existence on your mediocre sofa, inside your mundane house on your very boring street. They want to be free of the constraints that you have placed on them and they'll stop at nothing to be able to run free, in their traditionally tyrannous lifestyle, just like their ancestors would have.

If, unfortunately for you, you've got yourself in too deep with one of these cuddly-looking killers, then be warned - these are the sure signs that your cat is trying to kill you...

Continued below...

They spend a lot of time stalking unsuspecting victims 

It's not cute, they're trying to kill you: They're practicing for the day they make their final strike against your life. Oh, it won't be pretty human. 


They take pleasure in biting things 

It's not cute, they're trying to kill you: They're sharpening their teeth as their fangs will no doubt feature in your untimely end. Sorry about that. 


They are really good at disguising themselves

It's not cute, they're trying to kill you: Cat assassins don't just walk into a murder plot with their full, furry face on show, you know? 


They're flexible

It's not cute, they're trying to kill you: They're limbering up and stretching out, so they'll be able to make the perfect kill without pulling anything. Cats can care about their bodies too, you narrow-minded human, this is precisely the kind of thing that makes them want to kill you.  


They like cuddling

It's not cute, they're trying to kill you: Although you might want to believe that they love holding you close to their tiny beating hearts, the sad fact of the matter is that they're testing your strength. If they can kill you by strangulation, all the better, no mess. 


They enjoy keeping clean

It's not cute, they're trying to kill you: You can't just kill your human and walk away with the evidence all over your guilty little paws. Cats know that the perfect crime requires a certain level of cleanliness. They'll practice cerimonial washings for the days leading up to your death, culminating in the most important 'getting rid of the evidence clean'. 


They are often tired

It's not cute, they're trying to kill you: They're so tired because they've been up all damn night plotting how to get rid of you and your annoying habit of wanting to cuddle them all the time. They most certainly have better things to do whenever you think it's cuddle time. Get. Lost. Human. 


They can frequently be found sharpening their claws

It's not cute, they're trying to kill you: This is how cats sharpen their claws - need we say more? 


They can be found in unusual places or positions

It's not cute, they're trying to kill you: The're testing their favourite human-like positions and poses around the house, for when they're the master of this castle. Muahahahh. 


You've seen them driving a car

It's not cute, they're trying to kill you: They're honing their getaway driving skills. They are not planning on getting caught for this, they're not as stupid as us. 


They follow your every move

It's not cute, they're trying to kill you: An essential element of any crime - you must know your victim's routine down to a T to be able to pounce when the time is right.


They are extremely good at finding hiding places

It's not cute, they're trying to kill you: You don't want to be looking your human in the eye very often, especially when you're plotting against them every minute of the day. It unnerves them and they've got one goal in life, they will not be put off.

So, don't say we didn't warn you. If your cat is displaying any of these worrying signs then be sure to put a bell on its collar. It's a well known fact that cats who have bells tied around their necks become hypnotized and forget all about any killing plots they might have once harboured against your life. You. Are. Welcome. 

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Lovely cats but what a load of rubbish!! My rescued cat was afraid to leave the house for 6 months after we got her. The previous owners had put her in the back garden, shut the door, and then moved away without her, leaving her to fend for herself!! How wicked is that? She was only 3 years old, but it took me another 4 years to earn her trust, and eventually get the beautiful. gentle. loving. communicative cat that now lives with us. It took her 2 years to trust my husband enough to even sit on his lap, and yet we had another cat that sat on his lap several times a day. It was then another 2 years before she trusted him enough to go to sleep on him. Goodness knows what her previous 'Daddy' had been like as she was really frightened of men, but luckily she was never nervous around me, and she is always chatting to my husband these days and often sleeps on the bed with him too.. She's ended up being the best cat I have ever had, and I wouldn't part with her for the world. She is highly intelligent for a cat, and has 'talked' to me since the first time we met at the Rescue Centre. She NEVER 'talks' to strangers. or even wants to meet them, so why me? I was HER choice of Mummy, and the person who was looking after her came from the same area of the country as me (NOT the area she was living in/now lives in), so she assumed that people with that accent were going to be kind to her, and so she wanted one like that for herself. She is ALWAYS purring, and is one of the happiest cats I have ever known, although very different from the hitty, spitty, bitey thing that I brought home with me in Sept 2006, after my 22 year old female cat had died with a stroke, after collapsing in our Living Room. Jazzy has been the perfect replacement for me, and I have taught her to be gentle, loving, trusting and now to behave like the little lady she really is!! What did her first owners DO to her that it took me longer to undo the damage than it had taken to make her like that in the first place? They obviously had no idea how to treat a cat the way that IT wanted to be treated, and they weren't very kind to her either. It was like playing 'pass the parcel', as she turned out to be 'wrapped' in multiple layers of protective behaviour, as she is a very soft creature, and can be easily upset with the wrong approach/ inappropriate treatment. She still doesn't like men, except my husband that is!! In fact, she doesn't like most people, and only ONE visitor to our house has ever even met her. They have seen photos of her, but she always hides away when anyone comes to the house, as she is so naturally shy.

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