Life pre-children is full of many riches; literally, because you haven't spent all your money on nappies and Elsa toys, and figuratively because you have enough hours in the day to take a toilet break alone and, if you're really lucky, brush your hair...
They say the best things in life are free, and for us exhausted mums the best Christmas presents Father Christmas could possibly leave under the tree won't empty his wallet...
Dear Father Christmas,
Despite what you might think I've been very nice this year (even that time I snapped the Frozen CD in half and threw it out of the window on the motorway) and although I can't bring this list to the North Pole in person, I hope you'll think I deserve at least a couple of these... ?
1. To get more than 4 hours sleep
This does not include time spent pretending to be asleep whilst the children clamber all over me.
2. And if that's possible then a lie in
I think the last time I had one of those was 2002.
3. Someone to change my name from 'muuuuuuuuuum!'
Or my full name 'Mum Mum Mum Mum Mum Mum Mum Mum'
4. Calorie free chocolate
If scientists can send man to the moon, is it too much to ask?
5. A flat tummy
6. To use the bathroom without an audience
Where do they think I'm going without them? It's hardly a party in here.
7. 10 minutes in which I do nothing but sit and stare into space
Has anyone else forgotten what this felt like?
8. To not have my every moved tracked and questioned
I survived for many years on my own before you came along you know.
9. A handyman to come and fix all the problems in the house
Sorry husband, you've had your chance.
10. Whilst he's there he could tidy the garden too?
I'm sure we used to own a lawnmower?
11. An annual subscription to a laundry service
Laundry gods... if you're listening...
12. For the children to stop beating each other up
It REALLY doesn't matter who ate more peas.
13. A meal that doesn't end in someone throwing a tantrum
What is it about eating that requires such drama?
14. A meal out that doesn't have to be somewhere with a ball pit
They don't tend to be in restaurants that also have a wine menu.
15. My child to find another film to watch apart from Frozen
Let it go girl. Let it go.
16. Enough time to brush my teeth in the morning
Chewing gum just isn't a long-term alternative.
17. A pair of jeans that will always zip up (even on Boxing Day)
The holy grail.
18. Keep my children young enough to believe in Father Christmas
If you can't do any of the others then this one will do just perfectly.