Recently, Country Life magazine published a rather insightful guide on ‘How To Be A Gentleman’. The list required that men do not slam doors (my eldest son should be paying attention) and are able to undo a bra with one hand (but maybe he could ignore that one).
In the interest of gender equality, The Daily Mail have responded with their guide on How To Be A Lady, but it seems to us they’ve missed a few things worth mentioning…
So from mums across the country, we’ve taken the original list and added a few important pointers of our own.
Here’s our extended version of what being ‘a lady’ really means in our household.
A ‘real lady’…
1. Can carry her own luggage, but accepts offers with a smile
Can carry her own luggage, plus two school bags, one violin, car keys, a half-eaten packed lunch, a forgotten briefcase and small baby on hip simultaneously.
2. Says ‘thank you’ when a seat is offered or a door opened
Does this still happen to people? No. Really?
3. Doesn’t take offence easily
Also known as quickly becoming numb when your daughter points out your grey hairs and tells you about all the other mums who have their own personal gym trainers…
4. Fends off unwanted passes with ease
If by unwanted passes you mean fish fingers being projected across the table, then yes. With ninja level skill.
5. Accepts a compliment, even from an inappropriate, old fool
So you’ve met our husbands?
6. Makes her point firmly, but unaggressively
We can make quite an argument for why our son should eat his broccoli. Normally it involves the Playstation making a disappearance.
7. Walks like a functional human, without tittupping, hip-swinging or hair-flicking
Walks vertically, like an normal human, after just 3 hours sleep.
8. Can perfectly well change a wheel, but will express gratitude if a man offers
Can change wheels, light bulbs, fuses and nappy. All at the same time AND without a man’s help.
9. Tactfully covers up others’ social gaffes
Well, we are experts at pretending we don’t hear when our children loudly remark on someone’s weight in the queue at Tesco.
10. Accepts that not everyone wants her cat jumping on them
Or their children. We are well aware of this but despite our best efforts we can’t promise anything.
11. Laughs at the ridiculous hero of Fifty Shades Of Grey
Has there been a typo here? Surely the word is love? Loves the hero of Fifty Shades of Grey.
12. Dresses to fit in unobtrusively with other people’s events. Especially funerals
We can dress as unobtrusively as you wish, but with my children in tow how we’re dressing is the least of your worries.
13. Can hold her drink without falling over
We drink 95% of our wine horizontally. On the sofa. In the bath. We wouldn’t know about falling over.
14. Shares a cafe table or train seat with a smile
We don’t need to share with strangers. Being surrounded by loud children means people normally find somewhere else to sit of their own accord.
15. Doesn’t boast about exotic holidays on social media
We’ve been waiting 12 months for this – 3 Facebook albums is completely justified.
16. Tries not to talk about house prices
No. Because it is so depressing. What ever happened to all those grand plans we had?
17. Doesn’t attempt to apply full make-up on a packed train
We find the rear view mirror in the car tends to work best.
18. Knows calorie and GI counts, but never speaks of them
Slimming World, Weight Watchers, it’s all we talk about.
19. Accepts some chaps are embarrassed by remarks about vaginas
Video of the Week
After they’ve seen a baby being born they tend to get over the squeamishness fairly quickly, trust us.
20. Can pay the tab in a restaurant without making it obvious
And will stop any of my children from ordering a meal that costs more than mine. Chicken nuggets should not be £8.
21. Has enough natural authority to make teenagers take their feet off train seats
The natural authority comes from me being their mother and having the power to stop paying their phone bill.
22. Teaches her children manners
We’re still working on this one.