"Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try."
"Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else, and it hasn't, it's that girls should stick to girls' sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such."
"Lisa, vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and eskimos."
"Marge, don't discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel."
"Dad, you've done a lot of great things, but you're a very old man, and old people are useless."
"I want to share something with you: The three little sentences that will get you through life. Number 1: Cover for me. Number 2: Oh, good idea, Boss! Number 3: It was like that when I got here."
"Lisa, if you don't like your job you don't strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way."