Sex expert Dr Petra Boynton answers some of your commonly-asked sex problems.
- Problem: 'We've stopped having regular sex'
- Problem: 'My partner suffers from premature ejaculation'
- Problem: 'I get pain during and after sex'
- Problem: 'We have totally different sex drives'
- Problem: 'He can't get an erection'
- Problem: 'I think I might have an STI'
- Problem: 'I don't like my current contraception'
Dr Petra Boynton is a sex researcher and psychologist with masses of experience in the field of sex education. She has taught doctors how to improve their skills at dealing with sexual health and has written for the likes of the Daily Mail, The Guardian and Grazia magazine.
She has her own site, where you can find out more: drpetra.co.uk
My husband and I have stopped regular sex because I just don't feel like it any more. Is there something wrong with me?
It's normal for women not to feel like sex sometimes. Common causes include:
You'll want sex more if you feel desired, sexy and supported. Not only will help with the housework and childcare make a huge difference, but tell your partner how (and when) you'd like them to show how they fancy you.
Try masturbation and fantasies (on your own or with a partner) and be brave and say what you'd like sexually.
If your situation is caused by a psychological or physical health problem speak to your GP, or a therapist for relationship difficulties. Making practical lifestyle changes usually does the trick, but if not help is at hand.
- Next: 'My partner suffers from premature ejaculation'
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- Identify the cause of your sexual problems
Our sex life has one rather large problem. My partner suffers from premature ejaculation. We've tried slowing things down, but it hasn't helped yet. What can we do?
Premature ejaculation affects most men at some point in their lives. It's caused by anxiety so the more you worry, the more likely it is to happen.
There are several things that can help:
1. Don't see his orgasm as the end point of sex - you can still enjoy pleasure and this can take the pressure off him.
2. Enjoy plenty of sexual experiences before penetration such as masturbation or oral sex.
3. Try Durex Performa condoms that contain a lubricant to delay orgasm.
4. Relaxation or meditation techniques may work.
5. He could masturbate an hour or so before sex
6. Try getting close to orgasm, stopping, then starting again.
If he continues to have problems his GP can check he is okay and, if necessary, refer him to a psychosexual therapist.
- Next: 'I get terrible pain during and after sex'
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I've started to suffer from terrible pain both during and after sex. Is this something serious?
Pain should never be ignored so make an appointment with your doctor to check you're okay. If you think your pain is due to dryness or a lack of arousal you can try using a lubricant, exploring fantasies, erotica, masturbation, using sex toys, and sharing what excites you with your partner.
Pain can be common in relationships where couples aren't getting on, in which case counselling could help - contact Relate for more information.
Alternatively, your pain may be due to:
1. Health problems such as cystitis or thrush that your pharmacist can treat.
2. Sexually transmitted infections can cause pain - find out where your nearest Genito Urinary Clinic is for tests and treatment at Condom Essential Wear
3. Conditions such as vulvodynia or vaginismus can also cause pain and distress and need professional help.
- Next problem: 'We never want sex at the same time'
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- Women's Health provide support and information on common problems
If he could, my husband would have sex every night, while I only want to do it a couple of times a week. This is turning into a big problem. Can you help?
It's a myth that couples' sex drives are always in sync. In most relationships one person often wants sex more than the other.
There is no 'right' amount for couples to have sex, although we often forget quality is more important than quantity. Your husband may crave frequent sex for a number of reasons
1. He has a high sex drive.
2. He believes it's something men should do.
3. He wants more intimacy.
4. He feels insecure or anxious about his performance or your relationship.
Reassure him you love him but explain your different sex drives are making you unhappy. Possible solutions include him masturbating when you don't have sex, and both of you enjoying intimacy in the form of cuddles and affectionate communication whether it's a 'sex night' or not.
Relationship therapy can help if you need support to resolve the situation.
- Next: 'He can't get an erection'
- Your relationships problems answered
- British Association of Sex and Relationship Therapy
- Get counselling from Relate
My partner can't seem to get an erection in bed with me. He keeps telling me it's not my fault, but I can't help worrying. What's wrong?
Most men experience erection problems at some point in their lives - when they feel under pressure, have had a few drinks or are tired.
Does he regularly wake with erections and get one during masturbation on his own? If so his problem may be linked to fears over his sexual performance. Relaxation techniques, meditation and focusing on your pleasure before penetration can take the pressure off him. Depression can also cause erectile difficulties, as can smoking or drinking heavily.
If he can't get an erection during masturbation, doesn't have morning erections and consistently can't get hard enough for sex, he should speak to his doctor to rule out underlying health conditions like heart disease or diabetes. His doctor can treat related health conditions, prescribe medications for erection problems or refer him to a psychosexual therapist if necessary.
- Next: 'I think I may have a sexually-transmitted infection'
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- More on impotence
- Get in-depth info on depression
- In-depth info on stress
- British Association of Sex and Relationship Therapy
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I think I might have a sexually transmitted infection. What should I do?
Sexually transmitted infections (STIs) are on the rise. Many don't have symptoms so you can't simply tell by looking if someone is infected and you may not always know you have an STI.
You may notice a smelly or discoloured discharge from your genitals, experience pain when you pee, or find sex uncomfortable. Or it may be you suspect a current or ex-partner has passed on an infection to you. If you're worried you can get confidential advice and support from a Genito-Urinary Clinic (GU Clinic) ? find your nearest clinic and information on STIs at Condom Essential Wear.
Condoms can protect from STIs and help you relax, enjoy sex and manage your health. You can get them for free from your family planning or reproductive health clinic, GU clinics and some GP surgeries. Or buy them from your pharmacy, supermarket or online.
- Next: 'My partner suffers from premature ejaculation'
- Contraception - which type is best for me?
- Your relationships problems answered
- More info on sexually transmitted infections (STIs)
- Condom Essential Wear - provides info on STIs and your nearest GUM clinic
I don't like my current brand of contraception - how can I change it?
From condoms to the pill, patches to the coil, there have never been more choices for contraception available. You may find it helpful to pick a kind of contraceptive that suits your lifestyle.
For example, if you like routine the pill may be best for you, whereas if you've got a memory like a sieve the coil or injection could be best. Condoms, meanwhile, have the advantage of protecting against both infections and unwanted pregnancy.
You need to weigh up your lifestyle, sexual relationship and future plans for pregnancy as you decide what method might suit you best. You can get confidential advice on contraceptive choices from your family planning/reproductive health clinic or your GP.
- Your relationships problems answered
- Contraception - which type is best for me?
- Family Planning Association - explains your contraceptive choices
- Planned Parenthood provides a guide to different contraceptives