Relationship problems: 'We always argue about the same things'
I love my husband dearly, but we always end up arguing about the same old things, money and how to discipline our kids. Surely it won't always be like this? Meg, Aberdeen
Dr Pam says
I have news for you, Meg, it could well "always be like this" unless you change the way you argue! Here are some tips for emotionally healthy arguing?
1. Record yourselves
Agree to tape record or video yourselves when arguing and play it back afterwards. Have a tape-recorder, dictaphone or camcorder ready and hit "record" when you feel tensions rising. It may sound odd, but believe me, it's the quickest way to realise how awful you both look and sound when you get into full flow!
2. Stick to a time limit
Use an egg timer and agree each of you has three minutes to put your case forward. Interruptions aren't allowed!
3. Avoid insults
Never shout things to each other that you can't take back and that won't be forgotten.
4. Steer clear of divorce
Never shout the D-word during an argument. Once the idea of divorce is on the table, you're on a slippery slope that could easily have been prevented. If you plant that idea, it's hard to get it out of each other's heads.
5. Stay sober
Don't drink and argue - alcohol-fuelled rows are far worse than sober ones.
6. Be objective
Really try to see each other's point of view. No one's ever 100% right. Slow things down, and say something like, "so you really feel X, Y, or Z when I do A, B, or C?"
7. Admit defeat
Finally, know when to let go of something. Is being "right" more important than forgetting about it and being happy?
If things really don't improve having tried these tips, you may want to contact Relate
What do you think Meg should do? Have your say in our comments section below
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By Dr Pam Spurr
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