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He's having an affair: what should I do?

(8 ratings)
A couple standing back to back
Absolutely nothing! This is definitely NOT the right time to make any major life-changing decisions about your relationship.

'The early days are incredibly emotional and confusing,' says Paula Hall. 'Don't feel under any pressure to either throw him out or forgive him.' There's no rush to do anything. Just let the news sink in - and cry all you want.

Talk to him again

Once you're ready, it's essential that you both talk and listen to each other. But this is not the time for a slanging match. No matter how angry you are, you must stay calm throughout this conversation. You have two aims:

1. To get the facts right
You need to know when the affair happened, where it happened and how long it's been going on. 'There are many different types of affairs,' says Paula Hall. 'A drunken one-night stand is very different to sleeping with your sister for five years.'

Painful though it may be for you to hear, you need to be aware of all the facts before you can go any further.
Tip: Resist the temptation to ask questions you really don't need the answers too, such as 'Is she thinner than me?' or 'Was she better in bed?' 'It's natural curiosity to want to know these things, but are you ready to hear the answers?' says Paula Hall. 'Will knowing that she was quite pretty or quite slim really help you to recover?'

Continued below...


2. To ask him 'Why?'
This is the big question and it's crucial that he answers it honestly. 'What you do next will largely come as a result of how he answers this question,' says Paula Hall. 'If he sounds genuine and his reasons make sense you'll be able to reach a decision far more quickly than if he's vague or simply refuses to talk.'
TIP: Limit the time you have for this conversation and always keep to the point. Otherwise you'll find yourselves going round in circles, getting more angry and tearful, but achieving very little. 

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