'My husband's gay'

(15 ratings)
Silhouette of a woman saying Shhh!
'Tom and I got together at 21, when we still were very young and innocent.

Neither of us had really had a proper relationship before each other, so everything we did together was pretty new, including our sex life.

It wasn't that we never had sex, just that it wasn't the biggest part of our relationship.

Looking back at the way we were with each other, it was obvious that we were more brother and sister than husband and wife.

The thing is, in so many ways we're soulmates. We share the same interests, love the same music, enjoy the same TV programmes... everything.

We were married by the age of 23 and had two children very quickly.

It was only as Tom got a bit older and started meeting people at work and when we went out socially that he realised that he was gay.

He finally admitted it about 5 years ago, although I'd guessed a long time before and we've had to spend a lot of time working out what to do.

We're staying together as husband and wife, but I don't mind him going with men - after all, that's who he is.

We haven't worked out what to tell the children yet, but we'll work something out soon.
A, 33, Nottingham

What do you think about A's confession? Have you experienced anything similar? Have your say in the Comments section below...

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Part of the problem here is that as a society we feel the need to put labels on things. Sexual behaviour MUST be classified into normal and abnormal. If gay behaviour were abnormal we wouldnt find so many examples of it in nature. As a gay man myself I feel lucky that I knwe from a young age what I am, but it isnt always like that. Many men feel pressured into living up to the expectations of their family. Some men dont even realise that they are gay until later in life. I dont think its selfish for a man to "come out" in later life, yes its hard on everyone else but its either that or living a lie - not really a choice. Plus why should the children find it hard? Surely in this day and age it dosnt have to be an issue?

Jo Marsh

Part of the problem is, in my opinion, that it is still very difficult to come out as gay. People are pressurised into getting married, having children, being "normal". It seems that many people do what they think is their duty, and as soon as the children are old enough, are away to live their lives they way they want to. Of course it is absolutely devastating to the wife or husband. and it is certainly not fair. But neither is it fair that it is so difficult for many to deal with being gay in silence and shame. A: your understanding and empathy is astounding, and he is a very lucky man.


WOW! I am a gay women and coming out to my husbad was very hard. But i found our relationship devolped from there. We still live together with my lesbian girlfriend and his girlfriend.

Danielle Fletcher

obviosly im not a proffetional and deffinetly not one to judge. i think your an amazing woman because your actually putting your children first but i dont think its quiet fair on the kids giving them false pretenses that ur still husband and wife you have to think about the future and how its gunna affect you wen your husband gets in a serious relationship with a man. also i deffinetly don think its fair on you i no you still love him but you can still remain greaty friends and do stuff as a family but dont try and make the relationship its something its not because the chidren will end up being more hurt by you saying your husband and wife. i wish you all the best in the future but hope you make the right choice probably one of the hardist decisions you will ever have to make but one that will affect yours and yor childrens lifes massivly. Danielle


I was married for 24 years we had 4 lovely children then after his father died he left to live with his boyfriend he denied it for a while but I eventually got him to admit it and I told him to tell the children they were all old enough at that time. Gay men that get married are selfish they should think of the children and how they will feel only 1 of my children has anything to do with him.He says he has done nothing to feel quilty for and is going to enjoy his life now.


I married my husband because I thought I was going to be left on the shelf (I only realise that now)we had been friend since school I had asked him when we were at school if he was gay. He told me no.When I moved out of the area with my parents he used to visit we ended up getting married had 4 lovely children we moved quite a few times during our marriage then a year after his father died he left we'd been married 24 years. Over the following months I in my own way was trying to get him to admit he was gay then after one big row I got him to admit it. I feel really sorry for my children 3 lads and a girl,they were old enough to know the truth I made him tell them I felt he owed them that. Now 5 years on the boys don't have anything to do with him one of his quotes was " I've done nothing to feel guilty about and am not going to spend my life feeling guilty" I think my sons feel very let down by him he has shown his true selfishness. My daughter see s him. I have nothing to do with him and don't know what I ever saw in him. I have a partner now who adores me and not himself.I now realise there are alot of men out there that are to selfish to admit they're gay and go on to ruin other lives, the children do not ask to be born.


My husband told me he was gay about 5 years ago, it was devastating for both me and our families. It was a real shock but we tried to stay together but it did not work. I felt as if I was the only person this was happening to, although he didnt actually cheat on me I was angry at all the years we had been together, in that time getting married and having two lovely kids. The worse thing for me was not having anyone to talk to who really understood what I was going through. Now it seems more common(or just that I notice more) and I hope people who find themselves in this situation get the support they need.


Your a great woman, i think it's great that you don't mind he goes with other men! Your very lucky to have someone like him in your life too. Hope You all the best :D


I know what how you must be feeling my husband sort of told me that he was gay i gussed it for myself and then for him to tell me that he likes to dress as a woman.I think you will sort out the best way for you and your children.I have 3 girls and we havn't told them.Ive been with my husband for 14yrs and i love him to bits and i think you must love your husband to stand by him as Dee said i think you're a 'amazing'


I have great admiration for your understanding of your husbands sexuality and i have great admiration for him for telling you


WELL DONE!!!! You are an amazing wife

Jenni Stafford

what made you realise that he was gay? Was it because he was not interested in sex, or because the way he reacted toward other men? It must have been very hard for you. jenni

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