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Why have I gone off sex?

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Sexless relationship
Being with your partner a while, as well as getting older, can change your sex drive dramatically.

It's hard to know what a normal sex drive should be too.

Here are ten reasons why you might have gone off sex and top tips to boost your libido.

1. You're too busy

Problem:
Between work, kids, the school run, catching up with friends and housework, sex probably sits at the bottom of your 'to do' list.

It's not like when you're younger or when you first get together and you have sex whenever you can get it. When you get a few spare minutes nowadays you're more likely to want to catch up with the soaps or get a little bit more sleep - not having sex!

Sex, though, is an important part of a relationship. It's a way of showing love to each other and a lack of it can turn some relationships into friendships.

Solution:
Choose a night or two a week to spend some quality time with your partner. You could even make a game of it and take turns to act out fantasies or try different positions. By planning ahead you're saying to your partner and yourself that you're committed to making the relationship work and that's sometimes the hardest part.

2. You feel stressed/anxious

Problem:
Just like when we're busy, being worried about things means sex is usually the last thing on our mind! It's hard to feel sexy when you're thinking about mortgage payments or problems at work.

Being worried about the sex itself definitely doesn't help either. If you've had a bad experience in the past with someone or you're worried about STI's, getting pregnant or even how good you are it means it's sometimes easier not to do it and not to have to deal with any consequences.

Solution:
The key to beating this is to try and combat the cause of the stress or anxiety. This does sound easier said than done but if it's money worries, remember that sex puts you in a better mind-set to deal with any problems, and it's free! Putting off sex isn't going to make the worries go away so why deprive yourself of it?

Eating a balanced diet, drinking plenty of water, sleeping at least 7 hours a nights and exercise can all give you a healthy body and mind and boost your energy levels. And try writing all your problems down or talking them through with your partner or friends - a problem shared is a problem halved after all!

3. You're bored or stuck in a rut

Problem:
After years together it's perfectly normal to feel bored by your partner. This doesn't mean you don't love them anymore it just means that feel like you've done it all or have forgotten about other sex positions.

Many people find themselves having missionary sex once a week - same time, same day and although this means you're still fitting it in a little bit of spontaneity never hurt anyone! If you always make sure you have sex on a Tuesday, for example, that doesn't mean the sex has to be the same.

Solution:
Try different positions, use sex toys, talk about things you like and don't like and maybe even dress up. You might feel embarrassed at first but if you're both open minded it'll get easier.

And having more interesting sex can't be a bad thing for either of you.

5. You don't like your body

Problem:
It might be that your body's changed since you've been with your partner - once you're content you don't worry so much - or that you've never really liked it. Either way your body hang ups could be affecting your sex drive.

A recent goodtoknow poll found that 63% of didn't like your belly, 17% of hated your thighs, 7% would change your bum and 6% of you were unhappy with your bingo wings.

So if you don't like just one of these things the idea of getting naked and letting someone you love see these bits is enough to turn most people off sex.

Solution:
In an ideal world, the best thing to do is lose weight and tone these areas up but a lot of us struggle to fit having sex into our lives let alone losing weight in order to have sex. A lot of the time you also replace sex with chocolate or wine to cheer yourself up and that doesn't always help!

Try to not focus on your bad bits and focus on your good bits. Also remember that your partner loves you just the way you are and during sex they just enjoy being close to you. Chances are they're unhappy with parts of their body too but you love them just the way they are right?

6. You're at a certain age

Problem:
Getting older seems to make your body and mind change in all sorts of ways and your sex drive is no exception.

If your hair's going grey, you're getting wrinkles or you're worried about getting a middle-aged spread you're not always going to feel as sexy as you did when you were younger.

And the menopause can have an impact too. When you go through puberty your hormones go through the roof and during the menopause they can take a nose dive, dramatically lowering your sex drive. Physically you might also be losing sleep or be suffering from vaginal dryness.

Solution:
Try not to dwell on the negatives about getting older and concentrate on the positives. When it comes to sex you're experienced and mature and you've learned what you like and what you don't, you're in a really lucky position.

And for the physical problems, read our guide to getting better sleep or use lubricant for vaginal dryness. There's always a way around these things and you should take advantage of the position that you're in!

8. Have you recently had a baby?

Problem:
If you've recently given birth, or you have a young baby, your sex drive might have gone downhill.

This could be because your hormones are still all over the place or if you've been suffering from post-natal depression it could just be the fact that you now look at sex in a completely different way.

Before you have children, or think about having them, sex is about having fun and being together but once you give birth it can change the way you think about it in the future. For some people it can seem suddenly dirty or nasty to have sex when you're not trying to get pregnant. The same goes if you've suffered a miscarriage or if fertility treatments haven't worked.

Solution:
All of these reasons need to be dealt with differently. Post-natal depression is a serious problem which needs to be discussed with your doctor.

Your hormones should settle down after a while but if you're worried speak to your doctor.

And if you've changed how you see sex and don't want to do it immediately, take things slowly. Being intimate without having sex can help you take one step at a time and can even bring you and your partner closer together.

9. Do you eat a lot of junk food or drink a lot of alcohol

Problem:.
Chocolate, crisps and wine can have a huge impact on your energy levels.

They can really boost your energy straight after eating them but then you get a dip and this can make you feel lethargic, tired and irritable - all feelings which can put you off sex and lower you libido.

This isn't the only problem with it though. They can mess with your hormones and moods and can make you put on weight. Two other reasons that make you go off sex.

Solution:
That's not to say you can't eat or drink them just make sure they're part of a balanced diet. Chocolate after all is an aphrodisiac so it's not all bad! And drinking more water can boost your energy levels in a more healthy way all of which will make sex a lot more appealing to you.

10. Medical problems




Problem:
There is a disorder called female sexual desire disorder which can make you go off sex, but did you know that loss of the libido can be related to a thyroid condition, Polycystic Ovary Syndrome a hormone deficiency or a metabolic disorder?

Anything that affects your metabolism, including an eating disorder, an accident, a trauma or an illness will affect your sex drive.

Solution:
If you've exhausted all other options about why you've gone off sex it might be worth speaking to your doctor just to see if it is a medical condition. It is rare but if none of the other reasons apply it's worth considering.

Continued below...


Where next? - Help and advice on eating disorders
- Have a look at our top 20 sex positions
- What stage is your relationship at?
- Put the spark back into your relationship with our romance tips
- 50 top sex tips
- Expert tips on getting more orgasms

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  1. 1. Why have I gone off sex?

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depressed

24, in lots of debt, bit chunky, quit smoking, angry alot of the time.... sex is ok.... but thats it! Normally my bfs brilliant but its making him bad because hes not gotting the right spots

key86

Im 27 and i rether have sex maybe once a week or month. Im just not into it at all. If i do have sex i be like is it over yet.

sad atm

I am 38 I've been with my partner for 13 yrs but I can't even stand him near me yet alone having sex.i don't like being touched either is there something wrong with me?? I only see him at weekends n have done since we started our relationship, I just don't have a sex drive anymore. He doesn't understand why. And no do I. Can anyone help...

Lily

There are numerous medical conditions that can make you experience a loss of libido. I have fibromyalgia - chronic pain and fatigue - and I feel tired ALL the time. I doesn't mean I don't enjoy sex but it can be difficult to feel in 'the mood', especially if I'm having a bad pain day.

Jayn

I am going to assume that these articles may have been written by men, or women under 40 - with both in deficit of emotional intelligence. There is no useful info for post-menopausal sexual dysfunction because it seems that writers assume that 'treatment' must be on a physical level. Anyone worth their salt knows that for many women (and a few men), the most important sexual organ when in a committed relationship is not physical response, but emotional response - which results in a deep sense of connection. These are the components that fail to progress in the course of a long marriage because so much emphasis is placed on lustful and dare I suggest - adolescent, physical sex. Our society mirrors this puerile lack of maturity in advertising, movies and internet social pages spreads the shallowness at a frightening rate. The concept of love matures as we age - or it should do -and a loving, emotionally intimate relationship is not dependent on sexual intimacy - it is dependent on emotional intimacy. I have found scant sensible, mature advice being written by the 'gurus'.

madmaiden1

I am nearly 51 and have been off sex for a good few years my doctor tells me this is normal but my partner seems to think i am making excuses , IS THIS NORMAL? I do suffer with depression and arthritis and i would sooner sleep on the sofa than get into bed because i know what will happen my partner will get randy and then i will have to make an excuse to get up

rebecca

hi, before i fell pregnant with my second child me and my partner where having sex upto 3 times a day now since having my second child who is nearly a year old i just dont seem to want it any more i dont like him touching me or nothin and i dont know why people say its the hormones??? if any1 can offer sum advice or anything let me know thanlyou x

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