'I'm having a secret affair'

(15 ratings)
Relationships couple coffee bathrobe elderly mature kiss
I am a 71-year-old woman, and have been having a secret affair with a married man for nearly 5 years, who is 10 years younger than me.

At first I didn't know he was married, but he told me after a couple of months. My feelings for him were very strong so I just couldn't finish the affair.

As it was, he said they had just moved house and, as soon as he had done the work that needed doing, he would leave her because he loved me and they only lived in the same house as brother and sister. I believed him.

Well, that was back in 2003. Then he had two bad heart attacks in that year and was in hospital for 2 weeks. He texted me to let me know and I rang the hospital because I couldn't believe it! But he had told me the truth and was ill for quite a while.

Now, he still comes to see me twice a week and we make love. Afterwards, he falls asleep for an hour, gets up, has a cuppa and goes home to his wife. If I ask him when is he going to leave her, he gets annoyed with me and changes the subject.

I love him more than I've ever loved anyone but don't know what to do. If my family knew they would be very upset and angry with me - they live 200 miles away from me so don't know anything.

I don't think I can take it any more - please help me decide what is the best thing to do

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I want to say that I am, woman from one of East-European countries just admire you, Western women! Nobody said that 71-y.o. is not too idea for relations, here I would be just crucified for it. Respect! Everything will be ok, Nightingale, you grief will pass very soon. You are happy woman, you had something secret and precious in your life.


You need to bring your relationship out into the open especially as you are in your later life. My secret lover died after a 15 year relationship and I had to go through the whole grieving process completely alone and without letting my family know why I was so desparately sad. He was 55 and I was 45. After 3 very hard years of being so grief stricken that I found it hard to face people I think I have finally started to come out the other side but I still have times when I weep for hours on end. It's so hard not being able to talk to anyone and I have no one to comfort me.


Hi Nightingale,i really feel for you and understand myself im in the same situation, of 2yrs he is not married but has a longtime girlfriend, i see him every day except weekends and holidays. he is 62 i am 51. i was married for 19yrs, but when love comes in to it things are difficult to make you mind what to let him go because you love him, to be able to have trust in a relationship, and to be able to learn to have self esteem for yourself, to make a break and be with a man who is for you only of a balanced relationship.


I have the perfect solution to your problem. I have been in this situation before and my solution worked for me. Start dating other men! Go on line- there are many seniors' dating sites or even "older woman younger men" sites that have guys in their 30s and 40s dying to meet women who are 60-90 years old. You dont have to have sex with any of these men or even meet them, but it will give you such a huge confidence boost that you will see your worth and desirability again and this will give you the strength to make a decision. Wouldn't it be nice if you invited a hot 45 year old man over for a coffee and then 61 year old drops in and finds you looking sexy and flirting outrageously! It will drive him nuts because right now he thinks you have no other options. Listen to Beyonc&#195&#169's song 'Irreplaceable' and get your mojo back :-). I thought I was ugly,fat and unattractive. I was a mother of 3 young kids and thought I had no options. My partner kept cheating on me. I went online, did my hair and nails, started dating men who obviously desired me. It gave me the confidence to leave this guy, and I am now engaged to a Scandinavian millionaire!! Good luck!


I am in the same position how stupid are we women,I met married man he did tell me after 3 weeks and i let it carry on,its now nearly a year, he changes his mind all the time,wants me,needs to stay until kids are older,he just wants someone who wants him and go out and have fun, yet he does not want me to sleep with anyone else talk bout double standards,Nightingale and I know what we should do,but doing its the hard part, they will never leave and will tell u want u want to hear, so let us be strong and end it.if they really want us they will come back, if they dont was not meant to be.

Kae Storm

us women and our treacherous hearts muslim and although i dont agree with the concept, muslim men are allowed to have more than 1 wife....a couple of weeks ago i married a man i had known only briefly but knew that i was made 4 him and he for me..he was in a loveless arranged marriage and remained with her because she sed whr am i gonna go and wat am i gna do with my life without her and her family are demanding that he leav me, or suffer the consequences, that they will ruin his life and tear him 2 pieces....but he has stuck by me and stood his ground even though they are making his life hell....its only just begun and at the moment he is back and forth between me and that family trying to reach a solution and get them 2 see sense, that he locves me and wont leav me, but i am a little afraid that he will eventually succumb to the pressure and give in, if only to b able 2 live his life in peace if not happiness as he knows the threats they are making are not idle ones....i ask u all 2 please pray 4 Kae.


Well Nightingale it doesn't seem to matter how old or young we are - we all seem to fall for the same old lines and suffer the same heartache. I'm in my twenties and although the bloke I'm seeing is seperated - he still only sees me a couple of times a week and his estranged wife and children everyday! I have been having an internal argument with myself since I began this relationship - my head telling me I deserve better and can do better and my heart telling me to stay 'what if..' and that I love him. I don't think anyone can tell you what to do - I've asked everyone for their advice and they have all told me to leave him - except those I trust and love most who have told me to follow my heart - you can never go back and relive situations so try not to do anything you will regret - for me,I know I will regret it if I don't stick around and give my relationship a go, I will always wander 'what if'. You need to decide if you will regret holding on for someone who probably wont leave his wife (men are wimps and frankly are too lazy to rock the boat) or whether you will regret it if you don't give it one more shot! I think you should cool things off for a while - don't be so available to him and let him wander about you for once - this will tell you if he genuinely cares for you or just wants sex. Remember the most pwerful tool you have is your intuition - you probably already know the answers you are looking for! Good luck x

Gemma B

This guy is taking you for granted. You don't need him and could do better. He is never going to leave his wife and he is using you. If he really loves you he would have left his wife already - before he got ill and he would vist you everyday instead of every 2 days. the only thing he is wanting from you is sex, a sleep and a cuppa. This man is hurting his family and you, and nobody needs that kind of hurt. You need to sit down and talk with him and tell him that if he really loves you then he would leave his wife and stop hurting yeveryone including you. But after 5 years i think it would be better for you just to get rid of him. There is always someone else out there and there is someone for every one.


well, Nightingale, by the sounds of things this man isn't really going to leave his wife for you! You should really just back off - if he REALLY loves you, he'll come after you. He sounds likes hes justt using you for sex whilst his other wife wont do it, is busy or maybe its just a fantasy he likes to act out? just leave this man, he isnt right for you. good luck in the future x


Nightengale should break off this relationship...if you could call it that. Leaving out rights and wrongs, she is 71years of age, probably still attractive...another few years, he will still be with his wife, Nightengale will be that much older, and going beyond meeting a decent man. she will regret the wasted years. this happened to me. He was not married but was not compatable to me. I stuck it out for years. He was not a bad man, but unable to form proper relationship. Eventually I had to make a break, but by then I had let too many years go by and am now alone, still reasonably attractive, but quite lonely and the years are passing. So Nightengale, if you have not given him 'the bullet' yet, DO IT NOW!


Personally i think that you should have ended the moment you fount out that he was married,people who are married hardly ever leave their husband/wife for thier lover.They just bull you up on the idea so that they keep getting what they want,which is usually sex.Maybe he doesn't get enough affection from his wife anymore so he feels like he needs a bit on the side.You need to end it now before you get hurt Good Luck (xxx)

highland lass

im so sorry for what you are going through, i too am ina really horrible sad and lonely positon. i met a professional man after my brother was murdered, we did nothing about our feelings until after my murder trial, he then gave me his num so if i ever needed an ear he would be there for me, we soon started seeing each other and he made me so happy beyond words i then found out he was married but by then he had met my friends and family he also made my life a little bit easier to live each day that i couldnt bear to part fromhim, he was then moved away from where i live and back to llive back at his house away from me when he got transferred it broke my heart and still does but he has become more back involved with his wife he accidently sent me a txt ment for his wife and i went mad but still i canniot bear to partwith him since then it has got worse, his wife has found out about us but im not so sure she has his house was phoning but i never answered i guess to save his bacon but we are still intouch i just wish i hadstrength tosay goodbye i know what the outcome will be and he seems to find it easier to hurt me because he can but im so scared of the grief iv been burying that itcomes real would somebody please help me!!! im scared!!!! i would love strength to walk away i do love him with all my heart always will i just have nobody to talk to everybody thinks he is wonderful for making me happy thank you x


hi sorry to say this but i am 13 years old and i even know the answer to that. it is obvious he is just taking you for granted. all he wants is to make love. if he really loved you then he would of let his wife ages ago and come to live with you. or wotever stage you are at. you need to talk to him and say if you dont leave your wife then i am never going to see you again. or its your wife or me. even though you really love him it sounds like he doesnt really love you. make the best decision. read carefully at what i have put because it could really make your mind up. take care. and my best wishes for you. beth xx


Im sorry, but in my opinion this man is taking you for a ride! He obviously has no intension on leaving his wife and family and is using you. I feel sorry for you, but also his wife and family. You should not have to put yourself through this. From what you state, it seems like he is in control of this whole situation along with your life and feelings, this is not fair on you. I personally think you are wasting your life on waiting for a man that is messing with your head.

margaret malone

I guess after having his heart attack he had second thoughts about his wife be it true love or just habit-----but he still wants you, and it seem you want or need him too. If you wanted to get rid of him by now you would have. We all have a selfish/lonely streak in us and you seem to be living for the moment....your choice. What you have to remember is if certain people find out i.e his family or your family things could get uncomfortable. Do you think you could cope, could he? At the end of the day we all make our own decisions and we all know right from wrong. If you were 'the wife' how would you feel? It's easy for us to judge others and no one is perfect we all make mistakes but we all want happiness too it keeps us going from day to day. Good luck be happy!


You should have some self-respect and get rid of this guy. He is USING you for sex and does not love you, even if you think you love him. Love is thinking of the other person remember! He's not thinking of your feelings at all, just his own. You should never have got involved in the first place, as soon as you found out he was married you should have dropped him like a stone. However its now too late for dwelling on that. You have to give him his marching orders and tell him you have found some dignity and are not going to let him use you anymore. It will hurt for a while, but you will eventually be happier and find inner peace knowing you've done the right thing. He is not going to leave his wife or he would have done so by now. Let him go, and ask yourself why you would want to be with a selfish, cruel man who would deceive his wife for 5 years like that.

donna wright

hi nightingale well to me from what you have said sounds like he is not planning on leaving his wife at all for you. He has two women on the go and he likes the thrill an idea that two people love him. If i was you i would finish it with him and go an find yourself a nicer man who just likes you and nobody else. because it is not far on you at the moment. hope my thoughts help. donna x


There's no future in this affair and it's obvious he's not going to leave his wife. Why should he? He's got the best of both worlds. Nightingale is very naive if she believes that this man and his wife are just like 'brother and sister'. Every man who has an affair says he doesn't have sex with his wife but of course he does! When he was ill it would have been his wife who looked after him, not Nightingale. She hasn't got a proper relationship, just secret sex. It's now time to call it a day and leave this man.

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