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'My boyfriend's not my baby's father, but he thinks he is'

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getting dad to bond with baby daugther playing
Two years ago all I cared about was getting back with my boyfriend. We'd been together for about 6 months when he broke up with me because he was getting hassle from his ex girlfriend who he has a son with. I was heartbroken.

I went out loads to try and forget about him. I started seeing two people but four months later he asked me to get back with him.

I didn't commit myself fully for the first few months. I was afraid he would break up with me again. I was out in my local pub one night and at the end of the night I gave two of my male friends a lift home. I dropped one off and when I got to the second house he asked me in for a drink. We'd known each other for ages and I didn't think anything would happen but after having a drink he kissed me and we ended up sleeping together.

I left early the next morning and we never said anything about it after that.

A few weeks later I found out I was pregnant and I knew it wasn't my boyfriend's. I didn't tell the other person because he's married with four kids.

I couldn't tell my boyfriend it would break his heart. He was hurt badly by his ex and I really do love him. I know people will say if I loved him I wouldn't have done it, but I do love him.

I'd planned to break up with him before he found out and move away so he wouldn't ever know but he found out before I had a chance to and just assumed it was his. I couldn't bring myself to tell him otherwise.

My son's now 14 months old and my boyfriend's name is on the birth certificate. The real father found out about three months ago but has no interest in being the dad - he's just worried about people finding out. I feel so guilty and if it was to come out it would hurt so many people and break up another family.

I've thought about just leaving with my son and not telling anyone where we are - it seems to be the only option that will hurt the least amount of people but I just can't decide if it's the best option.

Please help.

Georgina

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Jannet

This kind of social disaster would have been prevented had people followed God's divine rule - no sex outside marriage - In God's law, there is wisdom and good for people - but people take their whims and desires to overpower them. This is the mental punishment for disobeying God.

Emma

You should really tell your boyfriend the truth. The situation will be worse if he finds out in the future knowing that you knew the truth. it would be better of telling him the truth know than in two years because trust me it will make you look bad and he may want to leave you. Also, its not the baby's fault. You should try to get the biological father more involved, but if he refuses than he is an ass.

Steph

what will happen if your son finds out later on in life that your boyfriend who is on the birth certficate isn't his real father? try to get the real father involved or your son may grow up not knowing who his real father is.

Kelly

As hard as it may be and as much as it may hurt your boyfriend I don't think it is fair for him to believe he is the biological father, when he is not. Imagine how hard it will be, many years down the track if the truth comes out for both your bf and your son. Mabey if you could explain your feelings at the time to your bf, that you were scared to commit. Tell him that you want to stay together and that he is still the father of your son. The longer you leave it, the harder it will be for all concerned.

isobel

Dont say anything!! Ur bf is ur sons father - hes the one thats bringing him up isnt he?! U cant just run away from everyone, just stick at it n u will realise that a sperm doner doent make a father.

Jayne

Georgina...........Oh my god!!!! don't say a word!!!! I have been in the same positon for over 20 yrs and i promise you some things are best left unsaid,i also have a friend in the same situation!!! No one needs to know and god forbid if it ever did have to come out for let's say a medical reason just DENY U EVER THOUGHT ANY DIFFERENCE!!!!!

Catriona

Running away with your son is not the answer but you can't live like this and I think you know that. Do you really think you can live the rest of your life with this hanging over your head? I know I couldn't. Come clean with your boyfriend now. He deserves to know the truth, and you owe it to him.

ATIS DIPANKAR

Life has become so complex ! just go on with the wind

ATIS DIPANKAR

u r very intelligent....if i could have a friend like you !

Heln

Hi Please please help me. I met guy A we weren't together had a drunken one night stand I was still seeing ( not in a relationship) with guy B he was very controlling we worked together and threatened to make me lose my job if i didn't carry on the relationship. I ended up falling head over heels with guy A i found out i was pregnant a few weeks later having slept with them both just assumed it was guy A's who I had now started seeing, Since my first one night stand with guy A i never slept with guy B again but i had slept with him the week before. Guy B found out thought it was his and told me to get rid and told me dont think he would be paying anything - in my head I was thinkin well its not urs thank god its Guy A's the guy I love more than anything In the world. I told Guy B i had being seeing guy A behind his back and dont worry i was going on mat leave soon and he wouldnt have to see me again. Baby was born was perfect dark haired like me but hes now 14 months and LOOKs just like guy B !! Guy b was in his late 40's im only 25 guy A 28 how could I have been so wrong! Guy A adores our child we now have another - child 1 is 14 months child 2 - 6 weeks - child 2 another boy Defo his! They look so different boy tanned skinned dark eyes and hair. Child 2 blue eyes dark hair fair skin! I feel sick with disgust at what ive done . How could I have been so naive! It would break GUy a and his family's heart if they knew! Guy B is a waste of space pervert who has made horrible sexual comments about his niece before how hes watched her in bed before! How can I have this around my little boy? But how can I lie to everything i love GUY a and my little boy and they DO NOT deserve this! My boy loves my partner so much i cry all the time I just dont know what to do! Please help me!

Helen

Hi Please please help me. I met guy A we weren't together had a drunken one night stand I was still seeing ( not in a relationship) with guy B he was very controlling we worked together and threatened to make me lose my job if i didn't carry on the relationship. I ended up falling head over heels with guy A i found out i was pregnant a few weeks later having slept with them both just assumed it was guy A's who I had now started seeing, Since my first one night stand with guy A i never slept with guy B again but i had slept with him the week before. Guy B found out thought it was his and told me to get rid and told me dont think he would be paying anything - in my head I was thinkin well its not urs thank god its Guy A's the guy I love more than anything In the world. I told Guy B i had being seeing guy A behind his back and dont worry i was going on mat leave soon and he wouldnt have to see me again. Baby was born was perfect dark haired like me but hes now 14 months and LOOKs just like guy B !! Guy b was in his late 40's im only 25 guy A 28 how could I have been so wrong! Guy A adores our child we now have another - child 1 is 14 months child 2 - 6 weeks - child 2 another boy Defo his! They look so different boy tanned skinned dark eyes and hair. Child 2 blue eyes dark hair fair skin! I feel sick with disgust at what ive done . How could I have been so naive! It would break GUy a and his family's heart if they knew! Guy B is a waste of space pervert who has made horrible sexual comments about his niece before how hes watched her in bed before! How can I have this around my little boy? But how can I lie to everything i love GUY a and my little boy and they DO NOT deserve this! My boy loves my partner so much i cry all the time I just dont know what to do! Please help me!

Steven

Hello, As a child who is going through that same situation (just found out my father is not my biological father, and he does not know) I am 24 years old. You need to come clean now, or destroy your life like my mother has from guilt and hiding secrets. And guess what, I figured it out anyways by myself. I can give you my point of view, which will most likely be similar to your children's one day. Tell them. Tell them when they are in their teens. Perhaps 18. I have serious anger directed towards my mother now for lying to me all these years. And it may just end up really back firing on her. Think carefully and make the right decision. Don't listen to these other dumb bitches telling you to keep your mouth shut, they're scum and don't deserve to be mothers. Your child deserves to know the truth, your boyfriend deserves to know the truth, the father deserves to know the truth, and you deserve to have peace. The right path isn't always the easiest, but it is the most rewarding. Give yourself and your family Peace through truth, avoid making your children go through what I am going through. I am broken because of this. My life is flipped upside down. I am angry. I am depressed. I am broken. Don't do that to any more children, please.

Steven

Sorry that happened to you, but I am in the same position as your child was. Except my father still doesn't know. I haven't decided yet if I will tell him.

steven

You're a terrible parent and your children should be taken from you. I hope they hate you just like I hate my mother for doing the same thing.

Natalie

Hi. I am pregnant n my boyfriend thinks it's his only recently he found out the truth through an ultrasound results. He broke. Up with me n we haven't spoken for three months now. But i still insist it's his. Am scared that when the dau of DNA comes the results might not be compatible with his. What do i do. Pliz help. I love him so much.

mike

My girlfrnds ex boboyfriend is illegal immigrant Mexicannot the father of my girlfriend 8 year old boy but helped raise him from the time he was 1he was 5. I've been with her the boys mother for 3 years almost 4 & I am a father figure to her boy,.I don't want him to be a bad influence on her son I don't know the guy except I know I don't like him one reason he's not legal in our country and many other reasons but she won't let her kids stop seeing him insists that her kid calls this man dad and its not even his biological dad. please somebody tell me ur opinion what you would do so I don't think im being a jerk.i dont want him in our lives at all she says she has nothing to do with him its for her kid and I just do not believe in it anymore,thnx

Mb

I can't tell you to tell him or not to tell him since that window passed awhile ago. All I can say is I told my husband I messed up and now I'm pregnant. Hubby told me even if when our baby is born if I think she looks like the other man to keep it to myself, he never ever wants to know. He wants to believe this is his child no matter what. So that being said if you have contact with the other man ask him about medical and mental issues so no surprises later on and I can honestly say this is the hardest thing to go through. I want to know but I don't want hubby to feel bad for the rest of our Childs life. Besides does the other man even want to be in the child's life? If not then don't say anything. In my case the other man wants no contact and when I told him he hasn't spoken to me since and refuses to answer any questions I've asked about medical info. Good luck and go with how you feel :( it's a tough choice.

hanna

Say nothing. The only man she has known as dad is your partner that is her real father at the end of the day. Learn to live with your decision and move forward in your life.

- David

It is not a risk that harm will happen when the truth comes out. That is pure narcissistic selfishness. It is a fact that you harm your child every day that he or she is brought up in a situation where his or her identity is formed upon deception.

David

I found out last year that the man who I had been led to believe was my father was not. I cannot express the hurt and damage that the deception caused me. Finding out made my experience easier to bear though I do feel deep contempt for the actions of the adults involved. Do not do the same to any child under any circumstances. In my opinion this is just as damaging as sexual and physical abuse. I've worked professionally with suvivors of all forms of abuse and feel reasonably qualified to make such a statement.

Guest

Im in the same shoes honey, my honest opinion is to follow your heart, Like you said you love him that much you couldn't bear to see him hurting, trust me I know and for a long time I thought about it and tried reasoning the problems in my head over and over again, I couldn't sleep as well because I couldn't see myself with out him, and knew I couldn't live with myself if he left me. You need to know that, your kife is your life and same goes with your choices , you choose what you want what is best for you and mainly for happiness, and don't give a fuck what others think, everybody has flaws, imperfections and secrets aswell.

Kate

Dear Georgina, I was in your shoes one. Like the idiotic posters advising you to hide the truth, I lied and pretended that our daughter was my boyfriend's. He married me and we had another child (a son). Years later, our grandchild (my daughter's son) had some medical problems and underwent DNA testing. My boyfriend (then husband) grew suspicious when the doctor informed our daughter that the son was carrying some genetically configured allele which was uncommon in our families. Three months later, the truth came out. My husband has divorced and moved to another country. My daughter (and her husband) refuse to meet me. My son is marrying in 4 months. He categorically DEMANDED that I not attend. I have spent the last three years alone, wondering what things could have been if I hadn't lied. Please don't make the mistake I made. The risks are too great, because IF your boyfriend ever finds out, your "family" will be destroyed.

dpsc59

my daughter is 34 and there are good resons to believe she is not my biological daughter. this has bothered me for 34 yrs.. my ex ran around alot i later found out. she will always be my daughter but it haunts me to know if bio

Brandon

If there was DNA Testing at birth. This would NEVER happen.

axxymax

i don't know if the comment is really relevent as a lot of time must have passed and ou might have settled in the routine of life. however life is all about setting your priorities straight. there are currently 3 people of paramount important if you want your family to really work as a unit. I feel in this situation the most important person in this relationship is you and your trust in your love and faith in your partner. There is no respect on this relationship as you have already pissed on it so thats out of question. the second is can the respect be built. its important that you respect the person you love. Is the relation you are staying in does it have a future.a baby doesnt know the world around him for him the mother is the one that he looks up to to protect and nourish. but a father has an important role to play when the baby starts growing. Heres a pincher. babies cannot be replaced husbands can be. so if you feel he is not worth spending your life with move on. its will be fair for the husband to move on and find some one more compatible or you can stay with him pretending having a perfect life and you know its not. but if its he who you want to live your life with i guess the relation should start with truth as and not based on a lie. if he loves you and believes in the concept of unconditional love you will get through if not i guess you better live seperate lives i think that will be good for both of you. Now for the baby i am sure you want to keep it. are you sure that you will be able to provide it a better life are you mature enough to take care of a baby and raise it to be a good person by your self or will you need a partner to do that. of you can handle it on your own then thats great. you can just pack your bags and leave but if you think you cant than the only option is to either find another partner who can take care of the baby as his own with out any conditions. if you think the guy you are with can provide the same love and affection and attention to the baby then just forget the past bury it so deep that it never be found. sometime ignorance is bliss. A baby doesn't care about his origins he just look up to you for love affection and protection he gets these three he is happy. now its completely up to you are you ready to live with the secret and i would also ask you to prepare for the consequences if the secret gets out. have a contingency plan ready and that for saving your own hide.what ever said and done the priority is the baby.everyone else comes next.

naomi

i have a 6month old baby girl a i dont know if she is my ex boyfriends because i split up with him 3 times and i went wuth some one i knew for ages and when i got back with him the 3rd time i was alreadly six weeks pregnant and i dont know what to do

jane

Im gonna be very honest here to u i think u should come clean lies will only destory u inside and i know it will hurt some people but ur son needs to know where he belong to what u gonna do tell him when his 18 and make him hate u trust me u will only make things worst if u dont come clean if ur boyfriend loves u then he would understand u cant keep living with this lie cause it will make u go crazy and running away will not help matters

kerri

i wuld leave things the way they r. i am in the same situation with my 17mnth old. my now ex partner is a brill dad!! and at first i didnt know if he is my sons dad. and still dnt know for sure. but he luvs ower son and he loves his "dad" and in my heart i really beleive i am doin the best for all concered as the other potential dad is a waste of space and a violent bully. hopfully this will help u realise that u only have 2 beleive in somthin 2 make it feel real.

Leonie

I think you should consider your child here..can you really live with this lie for the rest of your life? Your child deserves to know who her "real" father is.Even if the real father doesn't want to know and it probably does feel easier to brush it all under the carpet because no one will be none the wiser,or you feel it maybe easier to simply run away,but you can't run away from your problems for ever.At some point they will catch up with you!

Jake

Dont say a word, it doesnt make a difference, when the real father doesnot want anything to do with the baby... and the assumed father is going so well with the new born... it is a good thing... we are so hung up on blood lines, where as the virtue of being a father is beyond blood lines. If he has assumed the role of the father and is going well, i suggest leave it at that... truth yes sounds good, but here it will break more than a few relationships, Spouse and you, the real father and his family, assumed father and your son. Also note that the real father has 4 children and the truth will break into the lives of those children. I would strongly recommend, that keep the truth hidden, and more importantly keep it hidden forever. Yes also make sure that the real father does it as well... The best way to deal with this, is start assuming and convincing yourself you were wrong, and the child was actually born as a result of intimacy with your assumed husband, and over time it will become a truth in your mind and the guilt will vanish... Please note, that it could be that the assumed father is the real father, both intimacy encounters, may have happened so close in time to each other that, it is actually difficult to tell who is the father and give the benefit of doubt towards the assumed father who has filled in and is doing so well as the real father, as any real father should be... It is a well known fact, if anyone in this world assumes the role of being completely honest in life, they get crucified... Gods words on honesty is holy, but when the people of this world says to speak the truth, and the same people of the same world crucify you, because they lack Holy wisdom, like us... Only fear in my mind, that the real father gets a guilt attack and spills the beans, when he nothing else to loose or is not in the wisest of his senses (drunk, mentally disturbed, stressed etc). So try and keep the real father away and completely isolate your new family from him, this way it is easy for him to forget as well... Men will forget easily, compared to women. My suggestion, hide the real truth, change the real truth to assumed truth, make a new assumed truth the real truth and confess the real factual truth only in heaven, that is were everyone will really understand...

CBd

I'm going to vote for truth on this as well. Whenever I've been guilty, I would always beat myself up about it and think about all of the bad things that could happen if I tell the truth. It's always been better after I actually do tell the truth. At the very least, I always feel better about myself. You obviously aren't content to leave things the way they are, otherwise you wouldn't be posting on this website in the first place. Go with your gut. Tell the truth. You can either live your life wondering if the man you love would actually love and forgive the "real" you, and carry all of your baggage with you into the relationship, or you can take responsibility, own up, and put this all behind you, while becoming a stronger person in the process. It won't be easy, but you've got to focus on what you want from life. Even if it causes a lot of hurt at the time, it's after that when you can begin to heal. It's possible he may even want to be with you even in spite of your mistake - and how good would that feel?

Kay

Georgina, its best to tell your partner the truth now-i know from experience as i have been in this position myself. Your kids come first at the end of the day and by denying the truth, you are also hiding the truth from your child, which is not fair to do forever. Your relationship with this man should not be more important than your kids and it was your mistake at the end of the day. I am sure if your partner has bought the child up for this long, then it shouldnt make a difference after the initial shock has worn off. Also if the real father does already know like you say, who knows if he has told anyone else. Wouldn't you rather your partner hears the truth from you now, rather than someone else, as im sure if he found out from someone else it would hurt even more. Be brave and good luck!!!!!!!

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