Recognising the signs of domestic abuse

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Recent research by Refuge identified behaviour that may indicate domestic abuse. If you're worried, here are the questions you need to ask yourself:

He's jealous and possessive
Does he cut you off from family and friends and try to isolate you?
Is he charming one minute and abusive the next, does he have sudden changes of mood - like Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde?
Does he control your life - for example money, who she should see, what you should wear?
Does he monitor your movements?
Does he blame you for the abuse?
Does he humiliate or insult you in front of others?
Does he verbally abuse you?
Does he constantly criticise you?
Does he use anger and intimidation to frighten you and to make you comply with his demands?
Does he tell you you're useless and couldn't cope without him?
Has he threatened to hurt you or people close to you if you leave?
Do you change your behaviour to avoid making him angry and triggering an attack?
Does he force you to have sex when you don't want to?

There are other ways of being abusive, such as:

Damaging a woman's possessions
Smashing up the furniture
Threatening to kill the pets
Threatening to kidnap or get custody of the children if she leaves
Locking her out of the house during an argument
Terrorising her by driving fast or through red lights at high speed because he knows it frightens her

The aim of the behaviour, whether conscious or unconscious, is to take control of the woman's life. Domestic violence is an abuse of power - it's all about power and control.

What should I do if I think my partner is showing these signs?

It's good that you have recognised the signs - that's the first step. Speak to a friend or relative that you trust and tell them what you've noticed and how it makes you feel. Make sure someone knows your fears and feelings - keeping quiet gives him more power over you and makes it harder for you to leave.

Depending on what form the abuse takes get specialist help. The The National Domestic Violence Helpline 0808 2000 247 can advise you on where to go for help.

It might be helpful to speak to a marriage guidance counsellor

Are there more domestic violence cases in summer?

Teresa Parker from Women's Aid says, 'During the summer, there can be increases in the levels of domestic violence around the times when people are drinking more alcohol, such as at football matches or at barbeques. It's important to remember that domestic violence isn't directly caused by alcohol and a loss of control - many people who drink alcohol don't abuse their partners and domestic violence is often deliberate and controlled. However, when there's a situation where there's already domestic violence, alcohol use can lead to more serious physical injuries and more frequent attacks. Abusers who have been drinking may use this as an excuse for their behaviour saying "I was drunk" or "I don't remember." Even if they genuinely don't remember what they did, it doesn't remove responsibility for their behaviour.'

By Louise O'Connell