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'Can I be with a bisexual man?'

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upset woman lying on bed_rex
I've been with my partner for five years and things have been a bit rocky lately because I was convinced he had feelings for a woman at work.

Last week we had a big row about this other woman, only it didn't pan out quite how I expected. He rang me the next day saying we needed to talk - I thought he was going to say that he didn't want to be with me anymore but instead he told me he fancied men!

I couldn't take it in. I was sick and nearly passed out. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. He said that he's definitely not gay but he knows now that he does fancy men as well as women.

He said he's confused in his head but he knows that he loves me and he wants to be with me because I'm a person not a gender.

I imagined I'd spend the rest of my life with this man but this isn't exactly what I signed up for.

I love him so much and I believe that he loves me, but can we go through life together knowing that he likes men and women? I'm 99% sure he's never been with a man so will his curiosity get the better of him and he'll need to experiment?

I've also heard some gay friends saying that there's no such thing as bisexuals - they're just gay people in denial.

What should I do? We are two people that love each other so much but is this too much to overcome?

Becky

What do you think of Becky's secret? Can they get past this? Have you say in the comments section below.

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Chris

Don't listen to the Gay friends. I am a Bisexual and I can tell you, for certain, that bisexuality DOES EXIST. Anyone who says otherwise is Biphobic and has absolutely no clue.

Jen

There is such as a thing called bisexual as alot of people have already told you and if in the five years you have been together and his been faithful and loved you truly there no real reson for him to lose intrest or cheat. My boyfriend whom ive been with for over a year and a half now is also bisexual and has always been faithful and loving towards me and has not been much diffrent then hetrosexual men ive dated before him (besides that his the best man ive dated so far and my longest and happiest relationship and likes people for not there gender but for who they are on the inside ). I have found the information other people have posted here very intresting and true and i hope you take some of there advice and be happy together don't let your partners sexuality ruin a good relationship .

Jess

Matt, It's interesting how at the end you say "people that see this message and are bisexual", admitting that there are actually people who are bisexual. I'm one of them. I hope you know that people come in all flavors. Don't put life in boxes, and don't be alarmed when life doesn't fit into the boxes you've created in your mind.

Msladyfellow

Hey Becky, The first thing you need to know is that there is DEFINITELY a such thing as bisexuals (I am one, I would know). So, he is likely telling you the truth. The second thing you need to know, is that being Bisexual is just about the capacity to be attracted sexually to/have romantic feelings for people of both/all genders, not about NEEDING to have sex with both at any given time. You also don't have to have had sex with multiple genders to know that you are bisexual. As I said, it's a matter of capacity, not sexual acts. I think you have no reason, based on what you've told us, to doubt that he does love you. I think, based on what you've said, you also have no reason to doubt his fidelity. Being bisexual is NOT what makes people cheat. Wanting to cheat and making the decision to cheat is what makes people unfaithful. It also sounds like he's been struggling with coming out to you for a while. It sounds like it was, likely, a very vulnerable moment for him when he did. Right now, he probably needs to know that you still think of him as the same person he was before he came out. The same man who loves you. And he is. You just have more information about who he is than you did before. Because he loves you and trusted you enough to tell you. Now, if you DON'T honestly think of him as the same person any more, do the man a favour and call it off. He doesn't need a partner that can't love him for his authentic self. If you can still see him as the same man who loves you, and love him for his authentic self, that is wonderful. Let him know that with your words and your actions. And chances are, if that's the case, you'll be okay.

Jenn

Matt, I regret to inform you that the information you have been given is incorrect. And now let me tell you why. 1) Bisexuality is not that you are attracted to the same sex and emotionally love the opposite sex. Rather, it is that you are attracted to both genders. From my experience, there are different levels of bisexuality. But that is because i know people (myself included) that are more attracted to one gender over the other, but still find themselves attracted to the opposite gender as well. 2) the article from NY news is actually from the New York Times. And though it is a fairly reputable news source, you have to consider multiple things. 1-the article discusses sexual arousal in males to images. Just because they found more images of males arousing, that does not mean that they are attracted solely to men. That just means they were not shown pictures of women that they were attracted to. ALSO, some people, while searching for their identity slowly transition from identifying as straight, to bisexual, to homosexual...and there is nothing wrong with that. For some people it just takes time. 3) Brokeback Mountain is a movie. Movies are fiction. They are not real. You should have learned that when you were a very young child. Comparing Brokeback Mountain to reality is essentially the same as saying "There is going to be a huge snowstorm that covers all of the northern hemisphere. I saw it in Day After Tomorrow, so it must be true" 4) Maybe you are the kind of person that would tell a girl that you loved them without meaning it...but not all guys are like that. In fact, most guys aren't like that. 5) the LGBT community stands for Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender. Though you may be in denial of the fact that bisexuality exists, I can tell you with 100% certainty that it does. Whether you agree with it or not, please be respectful. 6) the entire point of this article was for Becky to ask how to proceed with her relationship. Rather than attempting to help her with her dilemma, you are putting down an entire group of individuals who are in fact proud of their sexual identity. Now Becky I understand that you posted this 4 years ago, and I'm sure you've made a decision by now whether to continue with your relationship or end it...Here's what I would have told you, had I seen this earlier. I think you need to be open with him about your feelings. Tell him that this is a lot of information to take in, but you are accepting of him as an individual. But also let him know that you're not 100% comfortable with it. But saying that, I think that you need to give him a chance, and take some time with him to sit down and try to understand where he is coming from. Being bisexual does not mean that you have a need to cheat, or be with both genders simultaneously. Rather, idiots cheat, and people with multiple dating partners are considered polyamorus. I would explain to your man that you want a committed, monogamous relationship. And as long as that is the case, and he is willing to agree to that, I say at least try to make the relationship work. Counseling for both of you, either individually or together, may not hurt. Just because it is a safe place to discuss issues, with a professional as a moderator.

Don

Bisexual does NOT equal unfaithful. The fact he came out to you instead of just quietly breaking up, as you initially feared, shows that he really wants to be with you and trusts you with this aspect of his character. Be honest, would you be freaking out as much if he told you he was attracted to another woman? Trust him, accept this new part of him, and move on from here to wherever it may go.

Truth Tea

I've also heard some gay friends saying that there's no such thing as bisexuals - they're just gay people in denial. I'm sorry, but this is the shittiest and most stupid assumptions gay and straight people make right there. I'm bisexual and have met real bisexuals, and it's VERY insulting to say we're not real. Just because some people used it as some cover-up or "phase", doesn't mean we're all like this. Also, to you gay people who did use this as a cover up, you do realize we don't get treated any better than you as bisexuals? We probably actually get treated worse as bisexuals, because no one believes us, thinks we're all "slutty", not able to marry, in some kind of "phase", have more of a tendency to cheat, and can't be happy in monogamous relationships. Most of them are because of the LGBT community themselves causing this problem. Also, what makes men less bisexual than women? What makes us bisexuals more promiscuous than YOU? If you want people to believe you're born gay, then you should believe people can be born bisexual or straight. Then again, I bet a lot of homosexuals themselves were told to "pick a side" which is VERY ignorant. If you can't choose to be gay, what makes you think us bisexuals choose to bisexual? Maybe you just call yourself gay to make your other gay friends happy and accept you? If you're attracted to men and women, you're bisexual. I know I always been, but whoever I fall in love with and enjoy as a partner I'm loyal to. I know plenty of bisexuals in relationships/marriages as well. Don't single us out as being worse than people who are straight or gay, because cheating and back stabbing always happen in these relationships too. Also, do you like both chocolate and vanilla? What about blondes and brunettes? What about blue eyes, brown eyes, or green eyes? You like what you like, and just because a person likes both blondes and brunettes, doesn't mean they won't be happy with just a brunette. In other words, of course I'd date a bisexual. Why not? As long as they use protection and agree to monogamy, then I'll be happy with them.

JB

You are deluded.

Jessie Mew Graver

It is absolutely possible to have a relationship with a bisexual man. I know, because I've been happily married to one for a while, and, even though he does fancy men as well as women, it doesn't mean he isn't faithful to me. There are things he has to do in order to feel satisfied, like self pleasure to gay porn, but if that's what it takes for us to stay together, then I don't mind all that much. Might I also suggest buying both a strap-on toy and a chest binder? It would be a way to pleasure him in the bedroom if he's bi.

Ry

If he hasnt cheated on you yet it most likely wont be an issue, I am a bisexual and I have NEVER cheated on a partner. And I will never, sorry statistically speaking he'd probably be more likely to cheat if he was straight, and he has not lied to you, he is just confused, right now he needs your support and love, and so long as you give it you will find no issues in your relationship

Emily

Becky, I'd just like to let you know that bisexual people do exist, and the fact that when your husband is honest with you, you immediately think he's going to be dishonest. The fact that your knee jerk reaction to hearing that he /also/ likes men (also doesn't mean only), is not a reflection of him, but a reflection of you. If he loves you, he'll stay with you. And if you're this concerned about his sexuality, then maybe you aren't right for him (not the other way around). Think long and hard about your actions, and your reactions.

Jeremy

If you really love him, and you really believe he loves and wants you, then what else matters?

Dilain

Dear Becky, Please don't continue your relationship. I am saying this because I'm concerned about your mental health, you should not give in to it, these men don't understand love from women, HE IS ONLY EXPERIMENTING WITH YOU. You have to be strong and leave him. That is the best thing you could do for yourself. Wish you all the best and you will find a straight guy who loves you all for your womanliness.

jane

Hi all been married for 19 years and my husband has messed about on me 4 times but this time ive just found out he bisexual and my world has just fell apart i love him so much and hate what he's done/said,I throught we everthing was good in that he loved me.Wat should i do it hurts so much.And are sex life great so why?

marina

I have been this my husband for of and on 18 years, the last two years i have suspected something just wasn't right. i pretended to be him and text a certain guy i suspected, and well i found out more than i wanted to.. i don't have a problem with gay men, but DO NOT go out screwing men and then come home to your wife, i now am single and he's still in denyal, he has lost his wife, kids and all his friends because of the betrayal and lies.. I personally would tell all you men riding the fence, come clean and don't sneak around, the lies and betrayal is the worst. And the sadest part is his family new what he was, and was hopeing i could get him to go straight i guess, but he has ruined my life and my childrens, lives, I am now a single mom with no job, cause i lost it when i hit the depression stage, thanks for nothing you loser

Tom

bisexuality exists glad so many others are standing up for us - progress is being made - don't ever let anyone bring you down by telling you bisexuality doesn't exist etc - love to the good bis

J

I have just read the comments on this page, and there is one in particular that really, really annoyed me - the one from Matt. He is denying that i exist, which i take objection to. For years homosexuals have fought for public recognition and are now at the stage where to be openly gay is generally more acceptable than it was twenty or thirty years ago. Yet he is now treating us bisexuals in the same manner that homosexuals were treated. I know that i am not homosexual, neither am i straight. i use the bisexual pigeonhole because it is the closest thing to what i am. Yes, it is true, there is a whole range of grey between the black and white ends of sexuality that people in general (who inhabit the black or white areas) are unaware of, and deny. My position is this - i am to all outward appearances a "normal" (dont you just love that word, how can anyone define it?) masculine male. Throughout my life i have followed "normal" male habits, traits characteristics etc. However, my fetish is transvestism. i adore womens bodies so much i want to be able to dress and look like them, i dont find the male physique attractive or sexually arousing at all. I have had sex with women and transvestites/shemales alike, but not with a "man". So what if a "girl" has something swinging between her legs..... Funny thing is, gay men dont like us because we look like girls (hopefully!) and straight girls dont want us either! So, which box would you put me in? Do i really care? No. But i do care when people deny my existence, my right to be me. P.S. i have been with my girlfriend for 15 years now, we have four children. I have never, ever cheated on her. The sad thing is, even she thinks i am a pervert and wont talk about it.......

Aaron

I'm bisexual, I have only had 3 encounters with men compared to hundreds of female partners. I really do like to have fun with men that I'm attracted to physically, but I will always choose a woman over a man. I guess I'm just greedy. Your husband will be fine and so will your marriage if you don't make a huge issue over it, he is who he is..Just because he likes to play with other men from time to time doesn't mean he doesn't love you. You might even want to join in, my last encounter with a man was with him and my girlfriend..she loved it!

R

I've been engaged for almost 2 years now and very much in love with my fiance (between us we have 4 children). I've always had a suspicious feeling though. I finally did some snooping and discoverd that he has had sex with hundreds of men. He meets men online when he travels and hooks up. I'm shocked by it because he's the most masculine man I've ever known. As much as it hurt me to know this, I feel almost a sense of relief. I've had a nagging feeling that he is interally conflicted about something. I see it in his actions, so what I found kind of explains a lot about who he is. I have not confronted him. I'm scared to...maybe he'll be humiliated by me knowing this about him? Maybe he'll want me out of his life because I know this? I'm not sure what to do... I'm not condoning it. Whether it's men or women, he's doing this behind my back and I shouldn't have to accept it.

Cindy

I am seeing this married man who is younger than me he is 30 I am 49 I have been seeing him for 14 months I justfound out he is having sex with men He still has sex with me and loves my sex he even told the man he had sex with he loves my sex. I was upset when I found out about this we don't talk about it he doesn't know I know. I just don't know what to do.

Olympias

Matt seems confused, bitter and angry, perhaps a man left him for a woman? Since there are people who are attracted to both sexes throughout their lives, there is no doubt that people can be bisexual. If a married man falls in love with another man and leaves his wife, it doesn't prove that he wasn't in love with his wife, people fall in and out of love, and leave each other, all the time. Obviously sometimes people are trying to fool themselves, or disguise their true natures, but that doesn't mean that there are no bisexual people. Becky's husband may decide to stay with her because he loves her, or leave her at some point for a man or a woman. Alexander was probably towards the gay end of the spectrum, but married women because it was politically expedient, he certainly never "married" a man. Brokeback Mountain was fiction, and doesn't really prove anything. Most people exist somewhere on the scale of gay to straight, as discovered by Kinsey, see http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kinsey_scale

Jess

HI im jess, im almost 18 n i find it hard to talk about sexuality at home, or my boyfriend will get in a mood with me because he dont like me looking at other girls, cause he thinks i will go off with another girl, which i wont because i love hiim! I agree that homophobia is wrong but their is such thing as bisexuality its just like anyother sexuality, it should be accepted as its own sexual orientation, i get s*** at college because of it, they tease me and call me greedy and a queer bitch. i Cannot handle this s*** anymore. It's like wat Matt said, *bisexuals dont exist, ive dealt with that criticism. I thought gays were on our side *being a bisexual in all* i have gay friends. guys and girls. but i wouldnt change my fviews on them, their still humans at the end of the day. and so are bisexuals! its sexuality and human nature. so if people cannot abide by it then they can back off! end of rant! let me know if you want to me about anything and just email me:) ok

Talia Bowie

I need some advice from anyone I have been with someone for 7 years on and off right now we have live together he is my best friend I love him to death's he's a bottom The only problem I have is that he not showing me any attention the question is how do I get him to want me again

Gem

I am bi. I wish I wasn't but i am. I can't help my feelings. i can't change them. If i could, i would. believe me. It's often said that bi-sexual people are greedy. This is not true. I fall for people because that's exactly what they are-PEOPLE!! Their gender isn't an issue. I know you're shocked by your husbands confession. Of course you are. But it could be worse. He could have lied. he chose to be honest. He could have had an affair with a man. He didn't.

DEE

i have been married 32 years... last month I noticed a phone number.. which my husband seems to call just on saturday, and sunday mornings... I called the number from his cell phone.. and then hung up when a man answered. the man called back and I answered the phone.. when he heard my voice he hung up.. I looked up his number and its a cell phone.. I confronted my husband and he said its just a guy he knows from a cigar shop.. they sometimes meet and have a cigar together.. I suspected he was lying.. we have been in business together for 30 years.. my husband had no secrets ( so I thought).. i knew all his friends and their numbers.. it was strange i thought.. since then.. he has not contacted this person.. and this person has not contacted him. ( I;ve been checking the phone everyday)... also, we hadn't had sex in over a year... I told him I thought he was cheating on me.. he denied it and said... we were just in a rut... he loved me... and he would never cheat on me... I told him... if he did.. I would not want to be in this marriage and i would hope he would be honest with me... He has always been a trust worthy person.. to me it's not in his nature... but now I have doubts... do I spy on him? oh.. ps.. since the confrontation... we have been having sex... every other night... and its great... any suggestions?

Matt

I'm sorry, but I surely don't believe that there is such thing as male bisexuals. I may be wrong but there is no proof. I'm gay and I think that bisexuals are attracted to the same sex and emotionally love the opposite sex. As studies show, you are either " gay, straight, or lying ". NY news published that. You can search all over the internet. Also, in the past, there was no such thing as " bisexuality " not even for girls. People just came up with that to be accepted in both straight and gay community. For example, Alexander the great married a girl and a guy. But he wasn't considered a bisexual. NO SUCH THING IS TRUE. Bisexuals [ especially men ] claim to be equally attracted to both genders. NOT TRUE. Have you ever seen Brokeback Mountain? No such thing as bisexuality for males. " Bisexual " men just say that they are in love with you. They wouldn't want their family to tell him " gay " or a "homosexual". I know deep down that people that see this message and are bisexual [ especially men ] are going to deny it and agree with me in their heads. SO HE IS DEFINITELY LYING TO YOU- take this from someone of experience

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