Sexplanations: 'He won't try for a baby'

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Every week we partner with our sister magazine, Woman, to bring you expert sexual health advice from Christine Webber, a qualified psychotherapist with her own Harley Street practice.

The problem

We're recently married and began trying for a baby immediately. We suffered a miscarriage and it hit us hard. The doctor advised us to try again, but my husband doesn't feel like sex.

It's awful, as we used to have a terrific love life. He says it's too soon to try for another child. How can I change his mind?

The solution

This is a very sad situation for you both. But in order to get over it, you need to accept that you're dealing with it in different ways.

Your way is to try to get pregnant again as soon as possible, and your husband doesn't want that. Of course, you're the one who physically had the miscarriage. But we often fail to realise that men can also feel desperately upset.

When a woman miscarries, she usually finds that her female friends and family are very supportive. But maybe no one except you has talked to your man. He may feel that the baby who died has been forgotten, and that everyone - including you - is keen on replacing that child with another.

I think it may help to commemorate your miscarried child. You could plant a tree in the garden, fund-raise for a children's charity, sponsor a child overseas, or just go into a church and light a candle. It would be a tribute to the baby who never lived.

To return to your sex life, show your husband how much you love him, so he doesn't just feel like a sperm-provider. Cuddle up, be loving and tactile, but leave sex aside for a while. Don't make demands.

Hopefully, it won't be long before he feels better, and then he'll probably be as keen as you to start trying again.

For further help, call the Miscarriage Association (01924 200799) or Cruse Bereavement Care (0844 477 9400). Good luck.

- There's more advice from Christine in this week's bigger better WOMAN, on sale every Tuesday.

- Is your relationship in need of some sexual healing? Email your problem to Christine on sexplanations@ipcmedia.com or to us on goodtoknow

By Catherine Archer

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