Sexplanations: 'Is good sex enough?'
Every week we partner with our sister magazine, Woman, to bring you expert sexual health advice from Christine Webber, a qualified psychotherapist with her own Harley Street practice.
The problem
I'm having the most exciting sex of my life, but my boyfriend is unreliable. He sometimes sleeps with other women, and I've lost count of the times I've made dates with him and he hasn't turned up.
Also, he has a scary temper. I'm wondering: is great sex enough to keep us together?
The solution
Not in my opinion, no. But I know just how marvellous you can feel when you're having terrific sex. If your lover makes you tingle all over, is generous and good at helping you climax, it's a very potent experience and one that's hard to give up.
Having said that, I'd like you to re-read your own letter! Pretend it's from a good friend. How would you advise her?
Here are two possible options:
1. 'Your relationship sounds great. Stick with him. I'm sure you'll be happy forever.'
Or
2. 'You may be having great sex with this guy, but he's unreliable and a cheat. And he has no respect for you whatsoever. Leave now.'
Almost certainly, you'd plump for option 2. So why are you putting up with such an impoverished relationship, when you wouldn't advise a friend to stay in it?
The answer may be that you feel you won't get anyone else. I say you almost certainly will - so long as you leave this guy sooner rather than later.
I've seen too many clients who've stayed far too long in damaging relationships, just because the sex was great. They're depressed, resentful and lack all self-esteem.
I hope you're getting the message that while sex is a big factor, love and respect are more important. And, as I often say in this column, I believe that once a woman knows how to have great sex, she can have it with other men. I hope you'll move on and share your sexual wisdom with someone who truly deserves you.
- Read more sex advice from Christine Webber
- There's more advice from Christine in this week's bigger better WOMAN, on sale every Tuesday.
- Is your relationship in need of some sexual healing? Email your problem to Christine on sexplanations@ipcmedia.com or to us on goodtoknow
Average rating:
Frustrated and Confused, about 1 year
My problem seems pretty common and basic...my man has just simply lost all desire to please me in the bedroom...We have been together for nearly 3 years and for the past year, all he is willing to do is lie on his back...then turns over and goes to sleep when finished... I have tried doing different things to spice things up...porn, lingere, oral (for him, all the time)... and the results have left me feeling more exhausted, frustrated, hopeless, insecure, unappreciated, and undesirable...We have even talked about it a couple of times...and has even led to arguments...I fear that this void will cause major problems in our relationship. I don't know what else to do...I love him very much and we plan on getting married in the near future...but with this issue in mind...I am having serious doubts about the survival of our marriage if he continues to show no concern for my needs and feelings...and this has caused me to be completely torn...I don't know what else to do...ignore the problem? and continue to just play on HIS team all the time...or just start behaving more like him...lazy, uncaring, and selfish...-Frustrated and Confused
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