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'My daughter's the product of my affair'

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Co-sleeping mother newborn baby sleeping
A couple of years ago I got in contact with an old flame. We were both married at the time although my marriage ended shortly after meeting up with him again.

His marriage was very unhappy and he was there for his children as they meant everything to him. We fell in love with each other which wasn't expected and we made each other very happy. Even though we were guilt ridden we couldn't stop our affair, but I didn't want him to leave his family to be with me.

Eventually we were caught. He told his wife he didn't love her but would stay to be with the kids. His wife said she still loved him and wanted him to stay for her as well, and in order for him to stay in his home she said he had to break off all contact with me.

While all this was going on, I found out that I was pregnant with his child. He said he would support me whatever I chose to do and as I don't believe in abortion I decided to continue with the pregnancy and have the baby.

However, he didn't live up to his promise. He told his wife that I was pregnant and then I never heard from him again! I contacted him when our daughter was born and he told me he was trying to rebuild his family and wasn't allowed any contact with me or the baby. He said that he didn't want the baby spoiling things, and it was my decision to go ahead with the pregnancy and now I have to deal with it.

He said he realised too late he could have lost everything that was important to him and he 'couldn't risk this wrecking his life'. I have left the door open for him to have contact with his daughter in the future although I know he'll never be allowed while he's married to his wife. I feel like I have a responsibility to my daughter to sort out this mess. What should I do? Please help.

Jenny, 40, Wales

What do you think about Jenny's confession? Should she fight to make her ex see their daughter or are they both better off without him? Have your say in the Comments section below...

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Adeline Letour

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Gemma Woolley

I was the product of an affair and when i found out who my real father was( as id grown up believing it to be the same as my sister) it almost killed me. i was 11 when i found out and now im 23 and it still hurts. ive also been led to believe that the reason my father didnt admit to me being his daughter was because is wife didnt like it. what hurts the most even now is knowing and seeing(as he lived across the road) what he was like with his 2 other children, and for along time i wondered what was a matter with me. To be completely honest it felt like i wasnt good enough and that if my own father didnt love me why would anyone else. All im trying to say is that yes in a perfect world it would be great if your daughter had contact with her father but that doesnt(if his wife allowed him to see her which in my opinion is wrong anyway, since its his daughter and no one has the right to tell him not to see her, even if it meant his wife leaving him, he has another child now.) mean that it will stop any hurt that she will eventually feel and it might upset her more by seeing her with his other family. i do believe you are doing the right thing by leaving the door open, that way she will see that it has been his choice not yours, and when you do tell your daughter explain that its not because she wasn't good enough just that sometimes people have to make choices and unfortunately they arent always the right ones. if your lucky enough to find love again which i hope you do and he helps raise her then just explain that getting someone pregnant doenst make a father sticking around for the hard parts does! and maybe dont do what my mom did and tell her when shes 11 because even though id asked who my father was i dont think i was ready to know, and tell how much you love and wanted her. my story isn't exactly nice but it did have a happy ending of sorts, im very close to my brothers and i even get on extremely well with his wife, i just dont get on with my father. and i dont want it to scare you i just thought u needed a different perspective on the situation. Good luck and all the best x

ma

PLEASE let your daughter see her father! In the end, no matter what, your daughter will be curious to know her dad. And it is important for them to have a relationship, even if they are not in touch that often. Trust me!! It is better for her to see for herself what kind of man he is than not to ever see him. And you never know, he might improve in the future. He might not stay with his wife, but even if he does, I'm sure he would be better off seeing his daughter. I don't usually comment on websites, but I really felt I had to this time, and ended up having to sign up to this website. I really hope you find a way for him to see his daughter throughout her life - it would be awful to miss out. Yes it may be a loss for him, but it will also be a loss for your daughter, no matter how bad his parenting skills are!

Faith

Dear Jenny, The guy is a looser and I am sure you have wasted enough tears on him... flush him out of your system. I know that your child has a right to know her father but what kind of father he will be if he has refused to take any responsibility. All is not lost yet, you have a beautiful child move on and am sure you will have lots of happiness in future. I will certainly pray for you and wish you all the very best for future. I know it hurts but trust me girl "when the going gets tough, the tough gets going.." So you will have lots of happiness just concentrate on raising that child in the best possible way..

vickie

That is a sad fact of life,but she knew he was married when she got involved with him. Do all you women who get involved with married men honestly think they are going too leave their wives and kids for you? No! these guys are just playing around,even if he did leave how can you be sure he won't cheat on you? Once a cheater always a cheater! He gave you a precious. gift be thankful he didn't give you something like STD

Racahel

I think what has happened has, Jenny should move on with her life and her baby and leave him to rebuilt his life with his wife and kids however Jenni should leave the door open for him in the future for his daughter,as for her own personal life she needs to takecare of her daughter and when she feels the need to start to date she should then move on with her life am sure some good man out there will love her and her daughter, goodluck to jenni and all the best to her future.

Lesley Greenaway

My son's dad and I were engaged for three and a half years when i found out i was pregnant. He made the promise to stand by me and the baby- even more so when I discovered it was a boy- and we'd get a place of our own. However, he was on a homer (as a joiner) and when he got back he finished with me, and left me five months pregnant and alone for a girl who had a two year old daughter. They moved in together, and he changed his contact details so i couldn't get hold of him when our son was born. A few months later, i claimed maintenance for my son and his dad made me take a DNA test to prove my son was his. I was furious as i knew he and no one else was my baby's dad. Anyway the test came back positive and he made contact. My son was four months old at the time. His dad decided he was happy enough being a "see you three times a week for two hours" kind of dad whilst playing happy families with her. When he tried to include her in my son's life i went to a lawyer to make sure this didn't happen and so contact was restricted to his mum's place and our son was not to leave until it was time to return him to me. So he decided to kick off and i told him to keep away as the negativity was starting to reflect on the baby. Contact resumed for a short while, only on Father's Day 2006- a week before my son's Christening, i telephoned him at his mum's telling him there was a small present from our son as it was Father's Day. His response??? "I don't see him on a Sunday!!" So i hung up on him, totally disgusted and he hasn't seen my son in over four years. He's now five and starting school in August. My point in all of this is that if your ex lover has decided he wants no part in your daughter's life then he is the one who is going to miss out big time. I would move on and forget him. He sounds like a selfish pig who was only interested in getting his end away! In time hopefully you and your daughter will get a lovely man in your life who will lov you both regardless of your situation, just as me and my son have. In the meantime, haul him in front of a judge and make him pay for his daughter! Good Luck :) x

Amy Jones

At the end of the day the only person thats going to get hurt in this mess are the children. I dont personally have children but its them that suffer in the long run. You both should have known better and to get pregnant was just stupid. You are just lucky thats its had a happy ending but in the long run that little girl will need to know her real father in my opinion.

Sam

I think people are missing something here! You both should have made sure you were out of a relationship before you started seeing eachother!! You were both totally selfish, fulfilling only your needs without a thort for his poor wife and her children. Youve both (between you) wrecked a family and messed with these childrens' heads. You should be ashamed of yourself! I feel sorry for your child. Having to grow up not knowing about her father because of his wife. Understandably she doesnt want him anywhere near you! He used you for sex. Plain and simple.

Ashen

erm, LusshUshh? close to home much?? He did say he would support her, in whatever her choice was and he didn't ask her to have an abortion, so he should be there supporting her as promised! And his child! Are his current children more important? Apparently so... but he's never seen his child.. I would go to him with the child, failing that send him a picture (Use a printed address, no girly writing) so that he can fall in love with this child too. Failing all else, he needs to MAN UP and deal with his responsibilities, it takes TWO to tango, two to cheat, two to make a baby.... he needs to pay up AND see his daughter, at least you can go to court and make him do the former.

yamileth

I think u should get child support and forget about contacting him if he really finds out one day what or who his daughter is then he should contact you...simple as that.

LusshUshh

Ok so truthfully and to be brutally honest, you told him that you didnt want him to leave his family to be with you; you knew he was staying with his wife even though he didn't love her. You knew that he was told to not have contact with you. At what point is any of this his fault? I'm asking from the third point of view. It's obvious he has committment issues, its obvious he lies, it obvious that if he is willing to stay with someone he "doesn't love" just for the kids, you bought into exactly what he wanted. Your pregnancy was a byproduct of not only his choices, but yours. I'm just wondering if you feel betrayed because you're not married anymore and he still is. he said he was willing to support you, not be with you. Don't everyone gang up on the man just because he doesn't want to with a woman who cheats on her partner. Yes he has a child with you, but its very apparent that going along with the pregnancy and ultimatley birth was YOUR decision. So leaving the door open for your daughter is another story. It's very evident that thsi man does not want to be a "family" with you. I would just go on with you and your daughters life, because if you pester...yes pester.. him any further, his WIFE could take action and your daughter may NEVER know her father. LESSON: Don't lay with a married man if your not willing to stay a mistress!!!! And even if you become the wife, that just means the position of "mistress" is now open.

Wilma

I think that you and your daughter would be better off without him. If he is that selfishness and stupid, then he certainly does not deserve both you and your daughter. Your daughter is a blessing, so make life worth for her, be a good mother for her and don't bother going after him. You will be happy again! Your friend:)

louise

maybe if youd both stayed faithful to your spouses in the first place then this would not have happened- he is right to go back to his family and unfortunately you are left to explain to your daughter your affair with a married man- good luck with that! I do wish you the best x

JENNY

i WOULD LIKE TO FOLLOW ON FROM MY STORY TO LET YOU ALL KNOW OF A WONDERFUL OUTCOME. My daughter is now 2 years old and 6 months ago i met a wonderful man who has just proposed to me and i accepted,he treats my daughter like a princess and she calls him Daddy which is lovely to hear.My fiance has a son that lives with his mother and adores his "new" little sister.I am so happy and just wanted to share my good news as every cloud has a silver lining. Jenny 40,Wales

chelle

as jan has said, you are better off without him. it sounds as though he had his bit of fun, but when it got too hot, he waned to play happy families again. i really feel for you. you were in a horrible situation, but had the word that you would be supported and then it crumbled when you needed supporting the most. he is a coward who dosnt want to take risk and deal with he consequinces. you have and that makes you a much stronger person than he could ever dream to be. in the end you should be glowing, you have a gorgeous little girl. he os the loser in all this, stay strong, and all the bet for your future

jan stevenson

I am amazed as i am in exactly the same situstion with a daughter from an affair,my baby is 10 months old and i presume yours is over one as you say this happened a couple of years ago,my situation is identical with exactly the same comments my ex made to me,i think there must be so many in the exact position as we are and if truth be known i think we are better off without these men in our childrens life, sit back and watch his world crumble like my ex,s did Jan age 45 from Kent 11/11/08

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