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Your secrets: What the experts say

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You've been sending us your secrets and giving others some great advice on their problems. But we've decided it's time to call in the experts!

Sex and relationship experts have answered 5 of your most common problems. If you think you could give better advice then add your comments below.

'My man's too fat for sex'

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year. For the first 2-3 months, we had sex about four times a day. But in the last two months he's gained lots of weight and he can't seem to lose it. When I try and initiate sex he just says he's not in the mood. What should I do?

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Sex and relationship therapist Simone Bienne says:

It sounds like there could be something deeper going on here than you think.

You say that you know he's unhappy with his size, but I wonder whether you've asked him what's up?

The fact that he's eating more, drinking more, hasn't the energy to exercise and has lost his libido suggests that he could be depressed. Something is causing him to act this way. He's using food to fill a void.

There isn't anything you can do apart from give him the space to decide to come to you.

Tell him you've noticed a change in his behaviour and that you're there for him when he's ready to talk.

By showing you love him by not pressuring him to talk or have sex, my hope is that he'll come to you when he's ready to open up.

The hardest role as a partner in this situation is to deal with the feeling of helplessness. But I'm sure you can do it.

Visit Simone's website: www.simonebienne.com

Next: 'I don't who my daughter's father is'

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Where to next?

- Share your secrets and problems
- Read more secrets
- More information on depression
- How to boost your libido

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Penny

To Cookie--There could be a vicious cycle going on here, that you may not even be aware of. Yes, he's gained weight, and you are put off by that. He says he in not in the mood; is it because YOU are not in the mood, thereby not making any moves in his direction? I am in a similar situation, and this is why I am familiar with your story. At the first of my relationship, he was very well shaped, although not athletic. I didn't mind that he was not a muscle man; I still considered him to be gorgeous. After we married, he put on about 45 pounds. Not so bad since he's very tall, but his stomach really puts me off. I'm not thin, myself, but not like him. And I'm very short, so that makes it even worse. When I examined the lack of sex in our marriage, I realized he didn't feel amourous because I MYSELF had slacked off in expressing my desire to him. It really does work into a cycle, and I agree with the therapist who suggested he may be experiencing some depression over this. Add that to the cycle, and it's a critical situation for your relationship. If you love him, you must love regardless. Either convince him to exercise with you, make his meals lighter, and get the snacks out of the house. Help in subtle ways, and begin to show your desire for him again, and I'd bet money that he will see you in a new light. Best of luck!!

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