Anyone who’s a parent of kids knows the embarrassing, shameful, befouled statements that come out of their mouths.
The worst, the very worst, are surely these? These monstrous questions which all children will ask you. And how do we survive these overly-inquisitive children you cry? There are only two words which should make up your reply: Ask Daddy. Half of this is his fault anyway.
1. Mummy, where do babies come from?’
You didn’t hear them. Just prentend you didn’t hear them.
2. ‘So how does Father Christmas get to all the boys and girls?’
3. [Points at rather large supermarket check-out woman] ‘Is that lady having a baby too?’
OH MY GOD YOU DIDN’T JUST SAY THAT.
5. ‘What’s that thing hanging between Daddy’s legs? I don’t have one of those?’
Um, Olaf’s nose…?
6. [In front of elderly gentleman at bus stop] ‘Is that man going to die soon Mummy?’
7. At the zoo. In mating season: ‘Why are those animals wrestling mummy?’