The definitive guide to being the ‘perfect’ parent

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  • Suzanne from And Another Ten Things was selected by our BISS September panel and in her guest blog writes a definitive guide on how to be the ‘perfect’ parent…

    Parenting, it’s a pretty tough gig.

    We’re all trying to our best to raise the next generation of awesomeness but it seems whatever we do someone’s there telling us we’re wrong.

    Take Jools and Jamie Oliver, who last week posted a lovely photo of Jools and their youngest, River, to celebrate the mother-of-five’s birthday. The birthday wishes were quickly hijacked though, as River was in a forward-facing carrier. Opinion was split between horrified and supportive, between those who said it was fine and those who said it was dangerous.

    So how exactly are we meant to successfully negotiate this parenting lark with all the conflicting advice thrown our way by every Tom, Dick and Annabel?

    Well, in the spirit of helpfulness I’ve compiled the following definitive guide on how to be the perfect parent.

    Giving birth
    Meditation is all that is needed with perhaps a couple or paracetamol if it gets a little too ouchy. But mothers should accept that labour is painful and take all the pain relief available. We’re not in the dark ages; you don’t have to prove anything.

    You must not pick a name that is too common. Do not pick an unusual name, you’re not Gwyneth Paltrow you know.

    Breastfeed your baby but not in public unless you cover up. But if you do cover up you’re just playing into society’s opinion that breastfeeding should be hidden.

    Babies must wean from the breast in their own time, but not when they’re too old otherwise it’s creepy. If you bottle feed, always apologise for it, except don’t because it’s no one else’s business.

    You should not give your baby a dummy; it is unnecessary and will delay their speech. If your baby finds it difficult to settle a dummy is an easy way to comfort them and reduces the chances of SIDs.

    Co-sleeping is frowned upon but the best way to settle your baby. They should be sleeping through the night by six months, if they don’t it’s your fault for creating bad habits. If they do it means they’ve learnt not to expect comfort from you. Sleep training is bad for your baby but excellent at creating a sleep routine which is good for your baby.

    Baby-led weaning is the only way to ensure your baby doesn’t grow up a fussy eater. Baby-led weaning leads to choking and must not be attempted. It is unacceptable to wean before 6 months, except it never did me any harm so why not try it?

    Hug a tantrum, show them who’s boss, don’t shout. Remember you’re their parent not their friend but they should feel like they can tell you anything. I wouldn’t have got away with that in my day.

    Potty training
    Potty training should be started when your child is ready but definitely at 18 months.

    So there we have it, being the perfect parent is that simple. Are there any questions?

    Suzanne was selected as a BISS guest blogger after entering our September linky. For your chance to write for GoodtoKnow, check out our Because I Said So platform.