21 things that happen in every episode of Come Dine With Me

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  • Come Dine With Me has to be one of the nation’s best loved TV programmes.

    The inappropriate fancy dress, the backstabbing scoring, the inevitable trading of insults and (ever so occasionally) some edible food.

    At least it always made us feel better about our cooking capabilities, which stretch to opening and closing the microwave door.

    The Channel 4 dinner party has now become a British institution, culminating in a massive 37 series and spanning a whole decade!

    Whilst each of the contestants has their own – shall we say – unique style.
    There are some things that unite every episode, and you cannot fail to get to the end of the program without noticing.

    Here are the things that happen in every episode of the best noughties reality show to grace our sofas…

    1. One contestant is always casually hanging out at a golf course

    Gotta practise my swing.

    2. Someone is unable to pronounce the menu

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    But gives it a good go anyway.

    3. Everyone pretends to know what the dish written in French is

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    Has no idea.

    4. The host that decides to make something they have never cooked before

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    Why not now when I risk losing £1000?

    5. The host reveals they eat takeaways 5 times a week and have never used the oven.

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    What’s a grill?

    6. Someone spends all their preparation time applying fake tan

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    Maybe I’ll spend all my food budget on a blow dry?

    7. Someone gets their spouse/mother/the restaurant down the road to do all the cooking

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    Guests pretend not to notice. Because we are British and polite.

    8. One contestant who gets bored of being British and polite.

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    So tell me exactly – how did you cook this Dauphinoise potatoes? You know. Like step by step.

    9. One contestant who becomes horribly passive aggressive

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    10. Everyone finds sex toys in someone’s wardrobe

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    Because the producers not-so-discreetly put them there, of course…

    11. There’s one contestant who lives in some kind of castle

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    Explain to me again why I should vote for you to win my £1000?

    12. Someone enforces fancy dress and people hate it

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    No we don’t want to see Dave from Liverpool dressed as a Baywatch character.

    13. Insults are thrown around about everyone’s appearance and/or age

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    You do remember these people are voting for you?!

    14. Someone gets WAY too drunk

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    You’re our favourite type.

    15. Someone brings out their ultimate party trick

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    Did I not mention how I am double jointed in every one of my limbs?

    16. One contestant decides to hit on another guest

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    Despite having a wife and this being aired on national TV I think we could make a go of this.

    17. Someone has a weird pet that is always too involved in proceedings

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    Which they insist on bringing to the table.

    18. A contestant becomes borderline offensive

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    Normally wearing a waistcoat. You know the one.

    19. Completely unjust and biased scores are given

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    But only in the safety of the taxi.

    20. Narrator Dave Lamb sasses people hard

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    Claws away.

    21. One contestant is a horribly sore loser

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    Yes Peter, we’re talking about you.