Brace yourselves, January is coming and you know that means…
Dry January, of course. With every fresh start each year comes a refreshed will to ditch alcohol and become fitter and healthier.
That’s fair enough, but is an entire month without a drop of wine really essential? If anything, giving up on the stuff after weeks of very boozy festive celebrations will lead to insanity, which is the opposite of what you’re trying to achieve, really.
While we’re all for everyone feeling healthier and happier, here are a few reasons why you’ll be secretly laughing at everyone attempting Dry January…
1. They’ll have to answer A LOT of questions
‘You’re not drinking? Why? Are you pregnant?’
2. They’ll be in shock when they realise what it actually means
‘Oh, is it the entire month? As in 31 days? And evenings count too?’
3. But after the initial shock, they’ll say it’s not that hard…
Clearly still inebriated from all the festive Baileys, they’ll say not drinking in January will be a breeze. And you’ll laugh.
4. …until their first Friday
Yes, dry January includes Friday nights too. And no, you can’t have a sip of my wine.
5. It will be even worse if they have a friend’s birthday
Clearly the soul of the party…
6. They won’t know what to do with themselves when the kids go to bed
Isn’t the whole point of sending kids to bed early to have a glass of wine?
7. They’ll start replacing a glass of wine in the evening with tea or coffee
No more sleep for you, pal!
8. Attempting not to drink, they’ll probably stop being sociable eventually
And just stay home, with NO glass in hand.
9. Their nights will be a lot less fun
Turns out a lot of shows aren’t as funny as they thought they were.
10. They say they’re doing dry January to be healthier but binge on junk food instead
Doesn’t really make sense, does it?
11. They’ll try to enlist you in the dry January revolution
Not happening mate.
12. Half way through the month, they’ll start planning their February binge
WHAT WAS THE POINT?
13. And you’ll remember how much worse their hangovers will be if they actually succeed
It’s going to hurt. So so so much.
14. When they say they might keep it up after January
‘Sure, you can totally do it… ‘ (Laughs for a million years.)
15. But you know what February will be really like…