First off, let us preface this with the disclaimer: diets are hard. Really hard. We’ve all been there; on that wagon, trundling along, saying no to chocolate and turning down wine.
And if you’ve ever done the 5:2 diet (you know the one? With the intermittent fasting, surviving two days on just 500 calories) well, these 12 little lies may well ring a little too true for you…
‘That was actually pretty filling’
Do you know what IS filling? Actual food. One egg and four leaves of spinach is not a filling lunch. It’s just not.
‘Oh no, I’m actually not that hungry, you get used to it’
Do not speak to me on Fast Day. Especially not after 5pm, it’s about then that I’m hanging by a thread, stuck between the hanger: I’M SO HUNGRY DON’T EVEN LOOK AT ME’ and the delirium: you’re a giant talking burger right now… with relish. Mmmmm.
‘Black tea is just as good as normal tea’
Yeah, if you like your tea bitter and unsatisfying, but really who has the calories to waste on milk?!
‘Jelly is actually my favourite dessert’
Sugar-free jellies are the holy grail on the 5:2. At a maximum of eight calories each they’re as good as your dessert is going to get and no, you can’t add ice cream.
‘That was totally worth the calorie splurge’
Sure, wasting 40 calories on three measly sweets was totally worth it (as I cry into my teeny tiny dinner as a result)
‘If I eat it off my finger it doesn’t count’
It isn’t technically a serving. MyFitnessPal doesn’t measure things in fingers, so peanut-butter-covered fingers are free from calories (and life savers!)
‘Oh aren’t you lucky, all you men getting more calories on your fast day’
If you’re 5:2-ing with your partner never ever bring this up, EVER. You’ll just resent him and all his 100 extra calories he’s allowed – just look at him eating all those jellies with wild abandon….
‘Wine DOES. NOT. HAVE. CALORIES.’
It can’t do. It just can’t. You’re not even chewing, how can it be calorific? It makes no sense.
‘That can’t be my stomach’
Who am I kidding, that growl was so loud I had to fake a cough to cover it up.
‘I don’t even miss chocolates, crisps or biscuits!’
Honestly, you can put a plateful in front of me and I will be strong (but you can bet your eight-calorie jellies I’ll be eating them in bulk on a non-fast day. So, yeah, thanks for that).
‘I’m actually being pretty good on my non-fast days’
OK, while I’m not waking up and inhaling chocolates, my lunches and dinners are practically fast-day size… I said practically.
‘I actually think I’ll be able to carry this on after my holiday’
This is by far the biggest lie you will ever tell yourself. This is never going to work, let’s be serious.
5:2, it was fun while it lasted but now that I can fit into my dress, I just don’t need you… Until next time, obviously…