Sexplanations: ‘He caught me satisfying myself’

Every week we partner with our sister magazine, Woman, to bring you expert sexual health advice from Christine Webber, a qualified psychotherapist with her own Harley Street practice.

The problem

I don’t always climax when I have sex with my new partner, so I’ve been waiting until he’s nodded off, then I’ve brought myself to orgasm. Last night, though, I realised he was awake, watching me. He said it was disgusting that I was ‘playing with myself’. I feel so ashamed, and he’s furious with me.

The solution

If anyone should be ashamed, it’s your bloke with his stoneage mentality. It’s obvious that his love-making lacks consideration and technique. If he’s leaving you unsatisfied after sex, then he’s selfish. He’s the one who should be feeling shamefaced.

Plenty of women stimulate themselves when their men have gone to sleep – maybe because they fancy more climaxes, often because they haven’t had one at all. I think it’s appalling that there are still guys who don’t understand what it takes for a woman to have an orgasm, and also appear not to care much if she has one or not.

Clued-up, modern men get just as tired as your bloke, but unlike him, they often encourage their partners to masturbate. A lot of them get a real kick from seeing a woman do this. They learn about what works for her, and they like watching!

But whatever your man’s attitude, you have every right to play with yourself. Whose clitoris is it, anyway? If you can be bothered to educate this ignoramus, tell him that the majority of women don’t achieve orgasm through intercourse alone. Ask him to provide lots of love-play – touching, stroking, oral sex and so on – before he enters you.

I hope he’ll be prepared to mend his ways. If he proves unwilling, maybe it’s time to think about dumping him.