Sexplanations: ‘I’m scared to admit I’m gay’

Every week we partner with our sister magazine, Woman, to bring you expert sexual health advice from Christine Webber, a qualified psychotherapist with her own Harley Street practice.

The problem

I’m quite experienced but never enjoyed sex. Recently, I’ve been spending time with a beautiful older woman colleague. One night she told me she loved me – and we had thrilling sex. I’m madly in love and have moved in with her, but we don’t look like lesbians and I dread telling people.

The solution

Well, I don’t see that anyone else needs to be told about anything – at least not yet.

You didn’t expect to fall for a woman, but you have. That’s just how it is. Whether you’ll ever be attracted to a man at some point in your life, I couldn’t say. But the crucial thing is that you’re happy at this moment.

You feel sad and confused because you and your lover don’t ‘look like lesbians’. But most lesbians don’t look different from straight women. If you see a picture of Sex and the City’s Cynthia Nixon can you immediately tell that in real life she’s gay?

There are women, in relationships with other women, who work in shops, factories, politics, medicine, catering, theatre, fashion and every other job under the sun. Most just quietly get on with their lives without advertising their sexual prefrences.

At some point you may decide to ‘come out’ and enjoy the lesbian scene. Then again, you may not. The important thing is that you never liked sex before, but now you do. Your lover excites and fulfils you. Lesbian sex can be just as lively as straight sex, but often it’s less fixated on orgasm and more about loving touch and scintillating sensations.

You now have what most of us want in life – the perfect partner. So enjoy her – and stop worrying.

Read more sex advice from Christine Webber

– There’s more advice from Christine in this week’s bigger better WOMAN, on sale every Tuesday.

– Is your relationship in need of some sexual healing? Email your problem to Christine on or to us on goodtoknow