Sexplanations: ‘My fiancé cheated on me’

Every week we partner with our sister magazine, Woman, to bring you expert sexual health advice from Christine Webber, a qualified psychotherapist with her own Harley Street practice.

The problem

Our wedding date is looming, but two months ago I found out my fiancé was having an affair. He said it was just about sex, not love. I left, but he begged me to come back, so I did. When we have sex now, which isn’t often, he’s quite rough, as if he wants to hurt me. It all feels wrong.

The solution

This must be hellish for you. First, you’ve discovered that he’s been having an affair. Then you’ve been persuaded that all is well, so you’ve gone back to him. But now you’ve realised things are actually far from normal. When a guy suddenly changes in bed from being loving to being mechanical or even – as in your case – quite rough, this generally indicates he’s very confused.

You also tell me that his erection is no longer reliable – a further indication that his mind’s in a muddle. Just in case he’s suffering from an underlying physical problem that’s affecting his potency, such as diabetes, he should go to the GP for a check-up. But I’m pretty certain that his difficulties are all in his head.

It sounds like he’s torn between you and the woman he was having an affair with. I’m sure you don’t want to hear this, but my guess is that although his head, and maybe his heart, wants to be with you, his sexual equipment hankers after the other woman.

I also think that when he’s rough, he may even subconsciously be blaming you for not being her. I know this is a horrible thought, but I really do think it’s a possibility worth facing.

I reckon it would be crazy to go ahead with marrying him while everything ‘feels wrong’. So, I suggest you consider postponing the wedding and move out again. If he really wants to win you back, you can try some relationship counselling – Relate’s number is in your local directory.

I don’t know if your romance can recover. There’s a chance, but it’s far better to face up to your difficulties now than go ahead with the marriage. Divorce would be even more painful than what you’re experiencing now.

Read more sex advice from Christine Webber

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