Sexplanations: ‘My new man’s a bully in bed’

Every week we partner with our sister magazine, Woman, to bring you expert sexual health advice from Christine Webber, a qualified psychotherapist with her own Harley Street practice.

The problem

My new boyfriend is divorced – his wife left him for a younger guy. I was his secretary and had a crush on him, so I was overjoyed when he asked me out. But now he orders me about in bed and says I must be faking my orgasms, because his wife was noisier during sex. Can you help?

The solution

Bossy men are bad news. No wonder your confidence is ebbing away. This guy is a bully – and he’s ill-informed. Has it occurred to him that his ex-wife might have been the one doing the faking with her noisy orgasms? After all, their bedtime sessions couldn’t have been great for her if she’s left him for a younger guy. Maybe this is what his attitude is all about. My guess is that he was hurt by his wife’s rejection. In fact, he probably feels totally emasculated, especially as her new bloke is younger. I suspect he’s covering up his feelings by pretending to be the world’s greatest authority in the sack. But he’s not, and his behaviour is hurtful and damaging.

You need to sort out these bedroom sessions once and for all. If you just hang on in there hoping life will improve, then I think your self-esteem will take a real bashing. So, next time you have sex really scream the place down!

Then tell him that you’ve faked it. Maybe then he’ll get the message that you know, better than he ever can, whether or not you’re having an orgasm. I also think you need to tell him that unless he stops ordering you about in bed, you’ll dump him.

To be honest, I don’t feel too optimistic about this romance. When men start dating too soon after their partners have either left them or died, they’re often not emotionally ready to move on. I suspect this man may always see you as his secretary – while what you need is someone who thinks you’re a star!

There’s more advice from Christine in this week’s bigger better WOMAN, on sale every Tuesday.
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